Wake up call?

So I've been sorta suffering from jetlag, feverish, diarrhea and just idk mood swings maybe from all that had happened to me. This past 2 months feels so shitty, well the worst if anything and feels like it ain't gonna get any better at all.

And today dad said "if not for you being my son, I would've asked you to fuck off long ago"

I was so tempted to say, "if not for you being my dad, and me being a filial son, I would've stayed in melbourne and not fucking come back at all, if not for mummy begging me to come back and take over your business, I would've stayed on in melbourne and do whatever. "

Then you keep fucking yapping on about if you die and what not.

DOES THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER MATE?
Here I am, trying to learn, trying to do better, trying to help the business, sure its not per se my passion and my passion never earns money, what gloving? dancing? Yeah all these artsy fartsy shit will never make money, gaming, I had a shot once but no, I came back for CNY and they cancelled my sponsorship.

SO, I fucking took up your boring ass work, which I don't mind, cause its your legacy and seeing it go to waste because nobody fucking wants to take over, makes me feel like I'm responsible to see through with it.

Then you fucking talk with no fucking EQ, actually why am I bothered with all these EQ shit, lame.

BUT YES..

What a bad day, I'm gonna pop another pill to sleep.
JUST SO I WILL have some sleep before getting looked down by you again.

Your beloved or just sorta your responsibility,

Your son,

Andy.

Spark Chaser

It has been awhile since I blogged but I guess, to this very important somebody, I'd like to write down how I feel every time you jog through my mind.

And the whole reason why I am writing today, it is because, today is actually the day that I actually teared.

On the 10th of July, I decided to axe this thing that we had and even at that moment, I was so hesitant on doing it. Truth, I was scared, I was not confident anymore, I felt like every time I say something, I have to second guess myself, that the effort to connect with you is so hard. I don't know if its you deciding to not try as hard anymore which made me having the need to go 90/10 instead of a 60/40, but it was getting hard.

You sent me a load of messages telling me how you felt at every single phase. I actually understood every single part of what you felt, because I went through the same thing, just that I decided to work on it, deny the negativity but ended up destroying the natural growth of this entire thing. But I guess that was my solution, be it forced upon or not.

But I always wondered, have you ever accepted my explanation before even if I was quick to assume and hasty on executing a solution? Have you ever thought that sometimes, natural as it may be, bumpy roads have to be crossed in order to acquire something?

Have you ever wondered how I felt when you told me that my actions mean minimal to you cause whatever I've done for you cannot be compared to how you would've done if for someone that you love? I felt insulted that day though I decided to brush it off.

Sure you mentioned about how " I don't care how my bros think of you " which made my day, it fucking did, but have you ever thought I should feel if you calling M, feeling awkward about going over to stay with him, 1 to 1, rekindling any sort of feel or something along those lines, that I should bear the burden of feeling such discomfort?

I agree with everything you've said, to a certain extent, but just because I interrupted you, triggered you somehow, and that made you stop every form of explanation that I should've heard long ago?
And that I should be thickskinned and confront you again, ASAP? Just to get it out of you or should I have waited to let time ease everything down before confronting you again? And when would the right time be? You want to talk about it f2f, yes I do too, cause it is so important to me! But I could never get hold of that time to talk to you, I am pretty sure I was the only one who tried to ask you out to talk again.

Do you know you said that you're a very simple person, I agree, but yet you are intelligent, your thinking is complex within. You said you dislike heavy topics yet will go through with it but how, when do I ask? and when I ask and I get rejected, is it all about your feelings that should be focused on and that I wanting to know, have my feelings neglected? That you are willing to talk yet if something doesn't match what you feel you walk away on D night and assume that I do not appreciate you, share your thoughts or try to manipulate you when I do share, appreciate, will not manipulate, and maybe just can't say the right words just because I do not know you well enough yet and that I can't if I can't spend more time with you to understand you and that all of these have to be structured to say it where it doesn't hurt you and... what about how I feel if this was supposed to be a fair conversation? How can one speak one's mind whilst concerned about another's feelings and mindset and not end up being judged on his first impression, reaction, train of thoughts?!?!?!?

It is so contradicting, which I never ever dare to say to you cause shaking your own perspective of yourself feels. like I am doing you wrong, that I am toxic af to you and yet I do not know how to get the message across to you. It felt so one sided when it comes to all of these..

But...

Often I just let it all slide because, just because I truthfully enjoy my time with you when I am with you. And I do not want to let all of these bother me, though it did from that night on, and every single time when the happy times were over. It is so vexing waking up not knowing what's the right move that I can only thread on basic conversations and finding an entry point to talk about the problem which I couldn't find and don't even know how to start it, that the problem is there and fuck I can't solve it.

Gahhhh, all these being said, the love for you warmed up a little slow, I had doubts at the start as to where the butterflies were until omakase night. That's when the feelings shot up and when the poetry started flowing in. That's when I thought everything was perfect. Your mum's birthday when I tried empathy, telling you how all your favorite people were gathered in one place and you told me " but I'm not ". I was stuck in Ireland, all alone, yet that made me the happiest, truly the happiest I've ever been. I never knew how to react to praises, nor do I react well to such stuff but that day, I was on cloud nine.

If I were to ask myself, do I regret my decision to end, I truly do, why? I do not know. Maybe I want you to want me, maybe I want us to get together being logical yet finding a solution to maybe not put an end to this. Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship, or maybe the timing is just wrong.

I'll stop here for today as this is hurting abit more than normal..

PBMFWGHAGW

Bless my family with good health and good wealth, like how I ask for every day.

Thank you, superior beings up there.

On point no more

You ask me to be your boyfriend, which made my day yet am afraid you might be intoxicated thus unsure.

You talk to me about weddings and far fetched futuristic stuff which makes me happy yet worried.. Because I don't know if I can shoulder that so quickly this I'm scared, yet want to embrace.

I've been trying and squeezing every ounce of me, to make things stable once again. 

Now I guess it's a fight against time, and I need to win.

Had a nightmare yesterday, that you were possessed I had to cleanse. Spookerino fml

Cracked

It has been really long since I last felt like this.
But honestly, this has been the most successful relationship that I've ever felt, something that is the most genuine and priceless thing I've experienced so far.

Maybe it really is nothing, just a small little quarrel but yeah.. that heartache coming back once again.

The sadness israel T_T

The rock ain't shiny anymore

At least the blog is still more of a space to throw my thoughts, anyway here goes!

The shine that used to shimmer just doesn't sparkle as much anymore. 

The emitting glow runs through time and slowly dims.

The exclusiveness of one falls as every new day arises.

And oh the sorrow in him, climbs out from within, and eats him alive.

Guess the whole point of me coming down to the city and bambooing just wasn't what my heart actually wants.

A.S.S~

My brain

Every time when I make a decision in life, be it in general, specifically and what not.

I always picture myself coming into a crossroad. 

Not that I love fucking around with myself and making me stressed up for no good fucking reason but, when I meet a crossroad, it ain't a path that diverge into merely 2 or 3 different paths.

It fucks around with me by giving me multiple paths, too many actually and the aftermath of every single choice I make. Furthermore it breaks down into very specific details where a minor tweak in the action would result in another path opened up for me to choose. 

That's not the end even. It goes really far fetched and starts to build up many many more scenarios until the end product if my brain ever feels like doing it.

Then I'll start to compare each scenario whilst gauging the percentage of success for each path taken to the goals that I aim to acquire. 

This is just a slight breakdown and we have not included emotions nor personality inside.

So it is just basically me thinking a lot and playing safe in life, trying to not fuck things up but still not forgetting to yolo hard and live life breaking its boundaries and going the extra mile blah blah. 

Yeah I just haven't got the the point.

The downside of this brain of mine?

It is when I try to calculate how to fight against a Black Hole and still believe there are odds of me winning.

I know right, feel like just throwing myself inside a washing machine and spin until my brain reset.

And as of now, I think I should stop believing in love. So real yet so deceiving.