Wake up call?

So I've been sorta suffering from jetlag, feverish, diarrhea and just idk mood swings maybe from all that had happened to me. This past 2 months feels so shitty, well the worst if anything and feels like it ain't gonna get any better at all.

And today dad said "if not for you being my son, I would've asked you to fuck off long ago"

I was so tempted to say, "if not for you being my dad, and me being a filial son, I would've stayed in melbourne and not fucking come back at all, if not for mummy begging me to come back and take over your business, I would've stayed on in melbourne and do whatever. "

Then you keep fucking yapping on about if you die and what not.

DOES THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER MATE?
Here I am, trying to learn, trying to do better, trying to help the business, sure its not per se my passion and my passion never earns money, what gloving? dancing? Yeah all these artsy fartsy shit will never make money, gaming, I had a shot once but no, I came back for CNY and they cancelled my sponsorship.

SO, I fucking took up your boring ass work, which I don't mind, cause its your legacy and seeing it go to waste because nobody fucking wants to take over, makes me feel like I'm responsible to see through with it.

Then you fucking talk with no fucking EQ, actually why am I bothered with all these EQ shit, lame.

BUT YES..

What a bad day, I'm gonna pop another pill to sleep.
JUST SO I WILL have some sleep before getting looked down by you again.

Your beloved or just sorta your responsibility,

Your son,

Andy.

Spark Chaser

It has been awhile since I blogged but I guess, to this very important somebody, I'd like to write down how I feel every time you jog through my mind.

And the whole reason why I am writing today, it is because, today is actually the day that I actually teared.

On the 10th of July, I decided to axe this thing that we had and even at that moment, I was so hesitant on doing it. Truth, I was scared, I was not confident anymore, I felt like every time I say something, I have to second guess myself, that the effort to connect with you is so hard. I don't know if its you deciding to not try as hard anymore which made me having the need to go 90/10 instead of a 60/40, but it was getting hard.

You sent me a load of messages telling me how you felt at every single phase. I actually understood every single part of what you felt, because I went through the same thing, just that I decided to work on it, deny the negativity but ended up destroying the natural growth of this entire thing. But I guess that was my solution, be it forced upon or not.

But I always wondered, have you ever accepted my explanation before even if I was quick to assume and hasty on executing a solution? Have you ever thought that sometimes, natural as it may be, bumpy roads have to be crossed in order to acquire something?

Have you ever wondered how I felt when you told me that my actions mean minimal to you cause whatever I've done for you cannot be compared to how you would've done if for someone that you love? I felt insulted that day though I decided to brush it off.

Sure you mentioned about how " I don't care how my bros think of you " which made my day, it fucking did, but have you ever thought I should feel if you calling M, feeling awkward about going over to stay with him, 1 to 1, rekindling any sort of feel or something along those lines, that I should bear the burden of feeling such discomfort?

I agree with everything you've said, to a certain extent, but just because I interrupted you, triggered you somehow, and that made you stop every form of explanation that I should've heard long ago?
And that I should be thickskinned and confront you again, ASAP? Just to get it out of you or should I have waited to let time ease everything down before confronting you again? And when would the right time be? You want to talk about it f2f, yes I do too, cause it is so important to me! But I could never get hold of that time to talk to you, I am pretty sure I was the only one who tried to ask you out to talk again.

Do you know you said that you're a very simple person, I agree, but yet you are intelligent, your thinking is complex within. You said you dislike heavy topics yet will go through with it but how, when do I ask? and when I ask and I get rejected, is it all about your feelings that should be focused on and that I wanting to know, have my feelings neglected? That you are willing to talk yet if something doesn't match what you feel you walk away on D night and assume that I do not appreciate you, share your thoughts or try to manipulate you when I do share, appreciate, will not manipulate, and maybe just can't say the right words just because I do not know you well enough yet and that I can't if I can't spend more time with you to understand you and that all of these have to be structured to say it where it doesn't hurt you and... what about how I feel if this was supposed to be a fair conversation? How can one speak one's mind whilst concerned about another's feelings and mindset and not end up being judged on his first impression, reaction, train of thoughts?!?!?!?

It is so contradicting, which I never ever dare to say to you cause shaking your own perspective of yourself feels. like I am doing you wrong, that I am toxic af to you and yet I do not know how to get the message across to you. It felt so one sided when it comes to all of these..

But...

Often I just let it all slide because, just because I truthfully enjoy my time with you when I am with you. And I do not want to let all of these bother me, though it did from that night on, and every single time when the happy times were over. It is so vexing waking up not knowing what's the right move that I can only thread on basic conversations and finding an entry point to talk about the problem which I couldn't find and don't even know how to start it, that the problem is there and fuck I can't solve it.

Gahhhh, all these being said, the love for you warmed up a little slow, I had doubts at the start as to where the butterflies were until omakase night. That's when the feelings shot up and when the poetry started flowing in. That's when I thought everything was perfect. Your mum's birthday when I tried empathy, telling you how all your favorite people were gathered in one place and you told me " but I'm not ". I was stuck in Ireland, all alone, yet that made me the happiest, truly the happiest I've ever been. I never knew how to react to praises, nor do I react well to such stuff but that day, I was on cloud nine.

If I were to ask myself, do I regret my decision to end, I truly do, why? I do not know. Maybe I want you to want me, maybe I want us to get together being logical yet finding a solution to maybe not put an end to this. Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship, or maybe the timing is just wrong.

I'll stop here for today as this is hurting abit more than normal..

PBMFWGHAGW

Bless my family with good health and good wealth, like how I ask for every day.

Thank you, superior beings up there.

On point no more

You ask me to be your boyfriend, which made my day yet am afraid you might be intoxicated thus unsure.

You talk to me about weddings and far fetched futuristic stuff which makes me happy yet worried.. Because I don't know if I can shoulder that so quickly this I'm scared, yet want to embrace.

I've been trying and squeezing every ounce of me, to make things stable once again. 

Now I guess it's a fight against time, and I need to win.

Had a nightmare yesterday, that you were possessed I had to cleanse. Spookerino fml

Cracked

It has been really long since I last felt like this.
But honestly, this has been the most successful relationship that I've ever felt, something that is the most genuine and priceless thing I've experienced so far.

Maybe it really is nothing, just a small little quarrel but yeah.. that heartache coming back once again.

The sadness israel T_T

The rock ain't shiny anymore

At least the blog is still more of a space to throw my thoughts, anyway here goes!

The shine that used to shimmer just doesn't sparkle as much anymore. 

The emitting glow runs through time and slowly dims.

The exclusiveness of one falls as every new day arises.

And oh the sorrow in him, climbs out from within, and eats him alive.

Guess the whole point of me coming down to the city and bambooing just wasn't what my heart actually wants.

A.S.S~

My brain

Every time when I make a decision in life, be it in general, specifically and what not.

I always picture myself coming into a crossroad. 

Not that I love fucking around with myself and making me stressed up for no good fucking reason but, when I meet a crossroad, it ain't a path that diverge into merely 2 or 3 different paths.

It fucks around with me by giving me multiple paths, too many actually and the aftermath of every single choice I make. Furthermore it breaks down into very specific details where a minor tweak in the action would result in another path opened up for me to choose. 

That's not the end even. It goes really far fetched and starts to build up many many more scenarios until the end product if my brain ever feels like doing it.

Then I'll start to compare each scenario whilst gauging the percentage of success for each path taken to the goals that I aim to acquire. 

This is just a slight breakdown and we have not included emotions nor personality inside.

So it is just basically me thinking a lot and playing safe in life, trying to not fuck things up but still not forgetting to yolo hard and live life breaking its boundaries and going the extra mile blah blah. 

Yeah I just haven't got the the point.

The downside of this brain of mine?

It is when I try to calculate how to fight against a Black Hole and still believe there are odds of me winning.

I know right, feel like just throwing myself inside a washing machine and spin until my brain reset.

And as of now, I think I should stop believing in love. So real yet so deceiving. 

Slamming the doors

Typing and backspacing as the seconds tick by, so many thoughts, so many words to be said, so much hatred and so much sadness.

So many paths to choose yet bend on taking that one path.

Justifiable? Only to myself.

Nothing changes as time stays constant.

Ponder and wonder, the ache still remains.

Feel like imitating your rashness. Just because we want to do what we want to do. 

Feel like doing something stupid. Just because the consequences are overrated.

Feel like shit.

Feel like throwing my phone away...

Pulsate and echoes

Deep in my heart, my lungs and every fibre of my very being.
I want to fucking shout at your ever cute and bubbly face.

But since doing that is gonna be inappropriate.
I am going to shout here then.

DONT FUCKING GO LA CCB MUST GO MEH?!
KNNBPCBNBCBCCBWTFBBQ

Mask of deceit | Double-edged sword

Bring a face for every scenario.

Be truthful to yourself, but be accommodating to the scene that one faces.

Smile and laugh, cause it ain't too hard to please.

And never reveal the naked side of you.

Pick up the double-edged sword.

Swing it back and forth. 

Find happiness and sadness in it.

Kill and get killed.

This is still my personal space where I throw my thoughts and shit that I do not want to cope with inside. So people who unravel this, I hope you'd respect my space, keep calm and don't judge ^_^

And honestly, I will never lie or send information via my blog to anon that I want to reach. 

Anyway here goes,

I really do not understand why is the wound so deep.

When the distance walked ain't enough to keep.

All the telepathy and similarities that we possess.

Is so near yet may only be just a guess. 

I should not have gambled the talk.

And instead just walk the walk.

Looking from my own perspective that all of these may seem one sided.

When actually the answers are all kept, locked and hidden.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I am slowly beginning to hate myself.

Hate that I watch and let things slide and not even trying to fight for it.

The old me would've just .. in this scenario .. did everything to stop that from happening despite knowing the chances of success is 0.1%. 

Okay maybe I've just become more realistic and not dramandy anymore haha.

But sigh, it really still cuts me to just sit and watch. 

And just a little more rant, I punched a hole in the wall, fml, must pay for maintenance liao.

And the fucking arab in my project group use baby to DEH me say cannot do report.

Fucking habibi. Fucking bad day ( Though its Thurs already ), fucking bad start, terrible afternoon, aiya just fuck today. Fucking wish it never happened or I comatose all the way until next fucking Friday.

I'm still alive

Skipped 8 hours of class, destroyed a wall and etc etc.

Accessing and reflecting myself the entire day, as to whether if my actions are justifiable to my personal self. Whether if I can still look myself in the mirror after all of these.

And my conclusion?

When you really want something, no matter what odds you are up against, all you've to do is to become the bigger person, become something bigger than the odds and conquer it.

Those nasty information? Gah fuck it, lets start by messing with that brain of yours Andy low, time to forget stuff or take it with a pinch of salt.

Indifferent

Have I ever told you about a trait of my dad?

No?

Okay here goes.

He's a man who tolerates.

No shit, he tolerates everything, for years, and he shows no emotion regarding things that irritates him. He either walks away or gives no flying fuck about it. 

And he tolerate to the point something bad happened in him. 

But it should be healing fine :(

As for me, I am the loser version of him. I can't fucking tolerate shit, or rather I have my mum's tolerance, which is close to none, we show our reaction when something happens. But I believe I make up for it by recovering asap from the situation and try to solve it.

Anyway, now it comes to what I want to talk about. 

This dad of mine, got cut by a machine and poured iodine into the wound and didn't make a single sound. The wound was at least 10-15cm long and 3cm wide. Bit a piece of cloth, held the cupboard really tightly and just withstand the pain like it was a mere cut.

And I can't even handle something like this....

Just fucking bite the bullet and ignore every motherfucking shit that you feel unhappy about.

Dig deep

Beside me lies a shovel as a raging sandstorm comes flying towards me. I have time, more than enough time to dig myself a shell scrape to escape. A deep one even. 

The ballsy or rather, dumb me wants to hold my breath, clench my fist and soldier through the entire storm but yet I am considering to live to fight another day. 

The sandstorm closes it's distance every second as I pick up the shovel and sigh.

Hesitation keeps lingering in my head as I  stare into the upcoming monstrosity.

"This is gonna be a pain" I mumbled.

My arms started moving on its own as I thought about survival. Meh, this ain't gonna hurt, it's just a mere 48 hours or slightly more. Right after the sandstorm it'll be fireworks.

Only after a mere 20minutes i dug myself a "home" deep enough to hide for upcoming ordeal. I hopped in and curl myself up while the song of pain became louder and louder. 

"Alright, time to sleep" I thought.

I close my eyes, tuck my chin in and lay my face on my thighs. A sudden adrenaline kick came in as the lights dimmed and the world started quaking..

I smirk. 

Chuck and focus

What's done is done, it's all said and in the past. 

And whatever that's gonna happen, ain't gonna change how I feel for you.

And besides that, starting on a 20 page report that is due tmr, fuck me. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Doubt it will

The hardest thing to do in life for me is pretense.

To pretend that I don't give a shit

When I really do. 

To be honest, it sucks, but on the bright side, at least I am going to be busy from 8-5 tonight. Enough to keep my mind off things and dgaf.

Time to fly.

And hopefully this doesn't get outta the box. 

Checkpoint for myself

I have so many things lined up for me, I swear, too many including the weekly partying and trust me, if anyone is reading this, check out bamboo saturdays, you'll never regret it I swear.

I am attending Defqon 1 at SYD, Ultra Music Festival at BKK, Hardwell back in MEL, Stereosonic and Zoukout.

Though I'm on full swing yolo, I do know that I have to control myself so that I can get my studies done as well so yeah, don't worry readers <3 div="">

Anyway, you guys do know that I only post when I have thoughts clouding my mind.

Truthfully, if you read the last post, and maybe a few more before, I am pretty sure you know that I am interested in this particular somebody who I'll call tomato in this post.

I can't believe that I have only known her for a month.

Tomato is really a different girl compared to many others. I've had my fair share of friends,girlfriends,girlbros and all and trust me, do not go anywhere near " aiya, because you like her ofc she is different and whatnot ", she is uniquely different and attractive. 

I do not like her or am interested in her just because she is the oddball amongst my experience.

There is always that awkward shyness between us, yet the readiness to tease and even swearing at each other. Note: Might be one sided HAHA.

Well, and to be fair, what cuts me, abit only ah, am affected BUT ABIT ONLY, is that she shuts me off pretty cleanly regarding the relationship side. Her friend did tell me that she likes me as a friend, but it is just the wrong timing.

Yeah besides that, that's it lor. Don't even know where I am going with this.

Just want to throw some thoughts into this space and clear my mind off it. No shit my friends, I like this person. 

But yeah, there's nothing more than this I guess. 

Okay! Peace out mates~ 

Have a great week ahead :)

A little writing on the long way back home

Simultaneously locking my phone whilst looking up after hearing my name being called, all I saw was a pair of ever mesmerizing eyes. A formidable force came along with her stare and it felt uneasy to return.

I twitch and stutter, swallowed as I quickly ran through my mind as to what should I say, but wait, I actually forgot what did she ask, or did she? 

I panic and went into honest mode, the buzzer killer and told her that she looks really fierce though her eyes are really beautiful. 

As I finally managed to look her in the eyes and speak, her right brow raised as if thats what she wanted to reply me.

Them features once again threw me off my guard and made me nervous. "Andy, why the fuck are you cornered? You're the man that is fueled with fucking confidence and laughter", I thought to myself. 

Hastily I started another conversation as I fought to get my composure back on track as the night went on....

Blessings for you M&E

Though you two will never read my blog, Mario & Ellie, I wish you guys all the best in the future!!
I still remember the first day i saw you two meet each other at the a house party, and its my very first house party in melbourne hahaha!

3 and a half years ago, and now, you guys are happily engaged to each other.
It really is such a beautiful thing to witness.


This post is dedicated to you guys and may yall walk hand in hand, lovingly, till the end of time <3 br="">

And as for me? 
Well, been trying to shun the feelings and rejecting all the thoughts. Time is really moving damn fucking slow, its no shit because it has only been what, 3 days since..
Sometimes, even using my favourite "meh~" makes the heart fond for~

Anywho, falling sick, am really tempted to casual antibiotics again.
and cannot gym. FUUUUU...

Regardless, last week of uni before holiday keke ^_^

Feel

Since today got feel to sing chinese songs ( because the past few days its just heavy drops and trance )

And this truckload of assignments is getting on my nerves, feel like just flipping the table.



Then I encounter my own quote.

" Rush the magic, Ruin the flavour "

Think go sleep sua. Cbf think or do anything.

Pieces and fragments

We are like pieces and fragments that fill up upon each other to finally create a final picture.

Falling down from different points, bumping into each other at unexpected moments, sticking together and taking the fall together, leaving halfway throughout the fall. 

Being side by side during the fall, atop or under, a certain distance apart, perfection, imperfection. 

At the end of the day when we land upon ground zero, when we accept each other into our lives, be it fitting perfectly side by side, at weird angles, slanted with a gap, what matters is that that's what we wanted and that we live comfortable in each other's arms.