Spark Chaser

It has been awhile since I blogged but I guess, to this very important somebody, I'd like to write down how I feel every time you jog through my mind.

And the whole reason why I am writing today, it is because, today is actually the day that I actually teared.

On the 10th of July, I decided to axe this thing that we had and even at that moment, I was so hesitant on doing it. Truth, I was scared, I was not confident anymore, I felt like every time I say something, I have to second guess myself, that the effort to connect with you is so hard. I don't know if its you deciding to not try as hard anymore which made me having the need to go 90/10 instead of a 60/40, but it was getting hard.

You sent me a load of messages telling me how you felt at every single phase. I actually understood every single part of what you felt, because I went through the same thing, just that I decided to work on it, deny the negativity but ended up destroying the natural growth of this entire thing. But I guess that was my solution, be it forced upon or not.

But I always wondered, have you ever accepted my explanation before even if I was quick to assume and hasty on executing a solution? Have you ever thought that sometimes, natural as it may be, bumpy roads have to be crossed in order to acquire something?

Have you ever wondered how I felt when you told me that my actions mean minimal to you cause whatever I've done for you cannot be compared to how you would've done if for someone that you love? I felt insulted that day though I decided to brush it off.

Sure you mentioned about how " I don't care how my bros think of you " which made my day, it fucking did, but have you ever thought I should feel if you calling M, feeling awkward about going over to stay with him, 1 to 1, rekindling any sort of feel or something along those lines, that I should bear the burden of feeling such discomfort?

I agree with everything you've said, to a certain extent, but just because I interrupted you, triggered you somehow, and that made you stop every form of explanation that I should've heard long ago?
And that I should be thickskinned and confront you again, ASAP? Just to get it out of you or should I have waited to let time ease everything down before confronting you again? And when would the right time be? You want to talk about it f2f, yes I do too, cause it is so important to me! But I could never get hold of that time to talk to you, I am pretty sure I was the only one who tried to ask you out to talk again.

Do you know you said that you're a very simple person, I agree, but yet you are intelligent, your thinking is complex within. You said you dislike heavy topics yet will go through with it but how, when do I ask? and when I ask and I get rejected, is it all about your feelings that should be focused on and that I wanting to know, have my feelings neglected? That you are willing to talk yet if something doesn't match what you feel you walk away on D night and assume that I do not appreciate you, share your thoughts or try to manipulate you when I do share, appreciate, will not manipulate, and maybe just can't say the right words just because I do not know you well enough yet and that I can't if I can't spend more time with you to understand you and that all of these have to be structured to say it where it doesn't hurt you and... what about how I feel if this was supposed to be a fair conversation? How can one speak one's mind whilst concerned about another's feelings and mindset and not end up being judged on his first impression, reaction, train of thoughts?!?!?!?

It is so contradicting, which I never ever dare to say to you cause shaking your own perspective of yourself feels. like I am doing you wrong, that I am toxic af to you and yet I do not know how to get the message across to you. It felt so one sided when it comes to all of these..

But...

Often I just let it all slide because, just because I truthfully enjoy my time with you when I am with you. And I do not want to let all of these bother me, though it did from that night on, and every single time when the happy times were over. It is so vexing waking up not knowing what's the right move that I can only thread on basic conversations and finding an entry point to talk about the problem which I couldn't find and don't even know how to start it, that the problem is there and fuck I can't solve it.

Gahhhh, all these being said, the love for you warmed up a little slow, I had doubts at the start as to where the butterflies were until omakase night. That's when the feelings shot up and when the poetry started flowing in. That's when I thought everything was perfect. Your mum's birthday when I tried empathy, telling you how all your favorite people were gathered in one place and you told me " but I'm not ". I was stuck in Ireland, all alone, yet that made me the happiest, truly the happiest I've ever been. I never knew how to react to praises, nor do I react well to such stuff but that day, I was on cloud nine.

If I were to ask myself, do I regret my decision to end, I truly do, why? I do not know. Maybe I want you to want me, maybe I want us to get together being logical yet finding a solution to maybe not put an end to this. Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship, or maybe the timing is just wrong.

I'll stop here for today as this is hurting abit more than normal..