Scary.

Whats the scariest thing in life.

Death?!

Ghost?! 

Or people that can just move on and forget about you, like you didn't exist while they lead their own life.

My position

What's with that sentence, " just don't piss me off ".

It just keeps ringing in my head.

-Aren't my feelings important as well. ( a part of me still wants you to have feelings for me )

What's with being "I am very busy nowadays", gotta do with the future.

Will you throw away, someone who loves you whole heartedly for what you are cooped up with temporarily?

And use sentences like "以后再说".

-I am afraid of losing things, that's why I always hold on so tight ( fuck, being repitive again, it's like why let go when we can try, everyday , every minute every second is a new beginning, a new attempt ).

What's with my undying love that keeps keeping me in love with you

-Why am I so in love with you. ( all I want is you to give a fuck about where what how I am doing and going despite your busy schedule cause 10seconds of your time before the train arrives is an opening for such thoughts/actions )

What's with not unblocking and not adding me back.

- since you can just block, you also can just unblock, add back and all no? 10seconds action, you can't be too busy for that? ( what's with that unwillingness, cause it'll give you a bad image? I gave up image about myself for you long ago. All I want to be is your hero, someone who you can always look up to, instead of looking up to other people ) <- okay reading it seems like I need to have an outer image for others.. Hmm..

What's with me trying to not end a call with you and telling you I don't wanna put down the call.

- so I can make myself look like a wimp in your eyes when all I want is just more time with you and hoping you'd want the same or get moved by my efforts?

What's with the endearing Takecare at the end of the call.

- it gives me so much mixed emotions. I don't even know what I should do cept believe in miracles.

I really feel uber miserable, but fret not. I'm gonna put up a front, and only be honest with myself until I hate myself and self destruct one day.

花海

不要你离开

距离隔不开

思念变成海

在窗外进不来

原谅说太快

爱成了阻碍

手中的风筝放太快回不来

http://stcommunities.straitstimes.com/tv/2013/06/24/fann-wong-chris-lee-sweet-or-mushy

AFTER being together for 12 years, one would expect them to be taking each other for granted by now.

But four years into their marriage, Singapore’s top showbiz couple Christopher Lee and Fann Wong say they are still very much in their honeymoon phase, despite being in a long-distance relationship.

Lately, they have been seeing each other only once a month because of overseas work.

Cynics may question their profession of undying affection for each other.

But the couple, who are both 42, seem confident that their determination to grow old together will stand the test of time.

And – brace for this – it seems Lee still pats Wong’s back and counts sheep because she likes to fall asleep to his voice.

He even loves going to work and discovering that she had secretly decorated his mobile phone and other things in his bag with pink Hello Kitty memorabilia – “just to be funny”.

Well, if it works for them, why not?

In the wake of reports a week ago of the divorce of fellow celebrity couple Allan Wu and Wong Li-lin, Lee and Wong shared their secrets to staying happily married.

‘Always the man’s fault’

Both say that when a couple quarrel, “it’s always the man’s fault” .

Earlier this year, Lee and Wong signed with Taiwanese celebrity management agency Catwalk Agency and now spend more time filming in Taiwan and China.

Lee told The New Paper over the phone from Taipei: “The secret (to staying in a happy marriage) is communication.

“Both parties in a relationship must always keep talking to each other no matter what.

“I’m not worried about being seen as a henpecked husband because I do believe that after a quarrel, the man must apologise first.

“I will also do funny things to make her laugh, like take the ugliest pictures of myself and sending them to her.

“Women are meant to be pampered because this is how their femininity is celebrated.

“Fann is very cute when she does things like decorate my car safety belt into a ‘princess’ one. She loves to see my reaction to what she does.”

He and Wong can talk for hours when they are together. Recently, they chatted in a restaurant at Holland Village for seven hours until they were told to leave at closing time.

Sometimes, Lee drives around aimlessly so that they can keep talking in the car.

Wong, who was in Shanghai, said Lee treats her like a gem.

She told The New Paper in a separate phone interview: “You know how women are like, when we get angry, we just shut down and refuse to talk.

“Christopher was the one who told me that whenever I’m mad, I have to tell him what I’m feeling so we can talk about it.

“He was the one who taught me how to communicate.

“Sometimes when I come home at midnight from filming, we’ll just start chatting and can go on and on and on. The next thing we know, it’s sunrise and we’ll head out straight for breakfast.”

Lee also pulls out all the stops to make her smile.

For example, the walk from their house in Singapore to the carpark often involves him carrying her in some way or another.

Wong said: “Nowadays, when I ask him to carry me on his shoulders, he’ll say ‘Baby I’m old already and you’re so heavy’, then I’ll tell him I don’t care and he’ll do it anyway.

“When people see me sitting on his shoulders, they’ll look shocked and we’ll laugh, enjoying their reaction.”

They meet only once a month for two to three days each time, as Lee has been filming in Taiwan for the last eight months. But they still “see” each other daily.

Lee has to FaceTime her on his phone every morning when he wakes and every night before he sleeps, so that she’s the first and last person he sees each day.

She said: “Being in a long-distance relationship to me is very sad because when I’m so upset over something and need a shoulder to cry on, my husband’s not there.

“On the flip side, there is truth that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

“Perhaps that may also be the secret to why we are so in love. We just yearn so much to see each other so we never take it for granted.

Best friend

“Christopher is very romantic, he’s a very good husband. He’s also my best friend.”

When she has to get up early for filming, he wakes up with her so she “doesn’t have to feel so bad”.

When she has overseas jobs, he takes her to the airport and meets her when she gets back, even if he is tired from filming.

Wong said they are still trying for a baby and will let nature take its course.

Quitting her job to try for a baby is out of the question because Wong feels the pressure of having all eyes on them would be too much for her.

Both Lee and Wong were “shocked” that Allan Wu and Wong Li-Lin were getting divorced as the actor-hosts – who have two young children – had seemed “like a very happy family”.

Surprisingly, for such a lovey-dovey couple, Lee and Wong seem to have had a stormy start.

In the first two years of dating, they quarrelled every other day over the smallest things, she said.

“We were like two volcanoes as we both had very bad tempers. I don’t remember what the fights were about, but strangely, one day, they just completely stopped.

“It was as if we suddenly learnt to appreciate each other and realised we love each other so much.”

The lovebirds spent some time together recently when they held separate meetings in Shanghai with their China fans.

Ironically, Lee plays a man stuck in an unhappy marriage in his upcoming Taiwanese drama A Good Wife.

Said Wong: “Christopher always assures me that we’ll spend the rest of our lives together.

“In this day and age, nothing is a certainty and divorce can never be ruled out. But what I know now is that I would love to grow old with him.”

This gives me hope, but does it make you believe in me?
I hope you read this one day and realize what I have been talking about.
Especially the BOLD section.

How? God help me please.

How do I remind you of me, and not about the bad stuff, but the good stuff.

Or how can I get a clean slate with you.

How...

Fucking hell, this unpredictable future is killing me.
Turmoil churning in me.

I really wanna shout and listen to the sea waves, to vent everything away.

Fear at that time of the year.

Amongst all the fear, I fear that I'll become another one of those guys that text you from time to time, giving you the space where you need and you only reply him whenever you feel like it.

Like I'm just another archived material.

I have been cut off by people before, and the last person I want to be cut off from is you.
I have never needed time off you.

It's you that needed time off me and me trying to make you believe that you don't need to have a time out with me.


That is why I relentlessly spam you because it sucks to end up stagnant like them.
I have my exams results coming out during 2nd dec which is next monday.
My flight is on the 3rd.

I have so much fears, but most importantly is you, do you miss me at all, will you unblock me like what you said two weeks ago?
Do I really have to lead my own life and you lead your own?
What if I try hard and do something everyday just to move you?
Would it be effective or counter effective and make you pissed off?

I have really been pushy and impatient my whole life.
You've picked up my calls everyday without fail.

You listened to Maureen and tried to communicate with me everyday.
You called me.

Then subsequently you stopped cause you said I'll call you, to rebutt my "why didn't you call me?"

I spent cents and dollar, trying to reach you.
The only time you made my heart excited was when you spammed called 26 viber calls and after you tried to spam skype calls to me while you are on your way home.

I questioned you, if you were like anxious and want to talk to me.
You simply replied, nah I'm just testing the connection or the app.

I really haven't heard that you miss me or love me since so long ago.
I always have to ask you if you are still in the zone with me.

I even created a simple system where I hold your hand and you just let me know when you are ready to walk it with me.

I hate it when you got accustomed to not talking so much because of my exam period we couldn't talk and you drifted even further!!

I really really really hate it even more, when you said you cannot talk to me like before that you needed space and all when we were still talking everyday before my exam period, which is right after my exam.

I hate it when you totally shut me down and don't want to pick up any of my calls or reply my texts.

I hate it when I have to blog all my feelings here and don't even know that if you bother to read it, and most importantly relate to what I've said and think about me, just for a second.



But even after all of these. I still try, cause I believe and have faith.
Cause, I really do love you.

The interval

You're the happiest thing that has happened in my life.

It still haunts me sometimes, that will you ever speak to me again...

Baked

Gonna blog this before I take the full effect of the brownies.

My eyes are already like reddish tired...

Whole body numb.. Relaxing....

Experience.

Closing my eyes...

My favourite quote

As all of you that knows me really well...

My favourite quote is " To Run The Extra Mile " for things that I love.

Honestly, there is a million things that I don't know.

I am imperfect, flawed and I may not be able to provide you with whatever that you might need.

Maybe I cannot be the one that will appreciate your artsy stuff, your games, your mindset and concept.

But at least what I do know, is that if I love you,

Just open your gates for me, and you can for sure see me, sprinting down towards you with all that I can, even if my knee is about to give way..

Because I love you.

Who I am hates who I've been

Witnessing so many reconciliation...

Will I get my desired one too?

Space

A really close friend of her's said,

Space isnt a 1 day 2 day thing.

Space means a minimum of a week till week + " n " days.

I never knew man.

She said, give her time to see if she misses you and wants to talk to you.

It's been more than a day since I last contacted her.

I do miss her...

But her last text was really so hurtful and I was just... ignorant to the fact about " Space ".

She also said, those words were just because she is mad.

Can I really be that positive and hopeful?

I'll climb mountains, be it by feet, by hands, or by a single chin-dig movement.

If my call doesn't work...

I'll text you via whatsapp.

If whatsapp is unavailable, I'll viber, if not I'll twitter, or I'll tango, or line, or wechat..

Or I'll spend <$1 per SMS 

And if those are unavailable..

I'll write you emails, until they become junk mails.

Or lastly, snail mail.

Until the day you forgive and trust in me again. 

Yours sincerely,

ALGH

Why must you be the kind that will never change until the shit really happens.

Instead of that, why can't you just sit and picture the possible outcomes and avoid the worst. 

Prevention is always my thing.

I don't want anything to happen cause when it happens, it might be too late...

And "too bad" does not cut out for me. 

Trust me will you. Just trust me!

An S note

They say suicide for love is a dumb decision.

Have you ever tried to sit and think of that person's actions as to why he took the leap of no return.

Ever wondered why he chose to make you the last person he want to love and maybe he's happy and sad enough to stop loving from this moment on? 

Ever knew that creating a ruckus and making you mad trumps being ignored, at least there's emotions involved rather than a dead end.

But after that tinge of spark... 

What then?

...........

I close my eyes as I feel the breeze beneath my feet...

Hard Love

When old door shuts, they say, new doors open.
It'll keep opening and closing, until you finally like what you see and what you see wants you in.

You'll then walk into it, and complete the entire process, the meaning of life known by many, to own a family.

Life would never get easier for any of us to walk.
You'll start off with no responsibility.
Then you get away with faults and bad behaviour .
After which, you start facing punishment for your actions.
Consequences and responsibility will kick into your life.

Then you'll face many new obstacles and they'll never stop piling up.

I know your life is tough, you're starting a new job that requires you to fly around the world.
I am far away from where you are and boy, we know it is tough and is only going to get tougher.

All I ask is that you trust in me, pick up the load, and you'll know the journey is worth the walk.
We have so many miscommunication thanks to the lack of tone and presence conversation.

It is messy, I want it to be messy, so we can pick up the pieces together, and fit it nicely as a team, of best friends, lovers and the reliable partner which we can depend on every single time.

I also want to fill up every gap that there is to fill up, no its never tiring. 
Keep everything real, sincere, honest and busy.

Why take a breather..

When I enjoy interacting with you the most?

It's the manipulation that is scary when you create a hoax to taunt the other. 

But it's the real actions that makes the scary, scarier. 

But, I order to achieve such a feat, you've to be certain of your decision, and don't falter. 

All I really wanted, was to be happy with you...

And it will never happen, once I've pulled the trigger. I am sorry babez.