I really wonder, how can I face another relationship when I have trust issues nowadays.

It is like after what that has happened, I begin to realize, bonds that I create with such hardship can go to waste so easily, except for my bros from secondary school. That bond, is the toughest bond to break. 

It's like made of this matter that wouldn't break, and if it does, it rejoins back quickly, so quickly to the point where it doesn't even feel like any damage has been done.

Right now, I am dating this girl. Idk if we're together, she just came out from a long relationship and might be confused and lost as of what she wants and all. I'd say I am certain, that we are having a good time now, because she can lean on me, I can do the same. She grows to speak like me, she grows to stick on to me, even when she is overseas. But I really don't know, how can I get over my trust issues because she has bad guys swarming her 24/7 and she doesn't know the art of defence against such pricks. 

I'd say, shes a keeper, but if she's defenceless, what will happen if I leave for melbourne, who is she going to turn to? Most of her guy friends are bastards and shes too nice to all of them because that is how her personality works. There are things which I want but she find it meaningless to show because it is meaningless but to me, it meant something, because of my trust issues once again. I know if I keep harping onto this, I'll be the one that breaks this ying yuan that was brought upon us.

I really hope, I can find a solution together with her, before she gets tired of my stupid trust issues and insecurities.

Nights.

Colorful

Like kids doodling in their art lessons.
Like professionals splashing paint on to the wall.

I'm embracing the light, at the end of the tunnel.

You know what, something bigger struck into my life.
So that story may or may not be told.

This thing will affect my life eternally.
I realize something bad happening back at home.

If it really happens, yknow, I really feel like it is time to give up on life.
There is no point in moving on, if the core of me, is getting eaten and broken to bits.

Aoki madness

I swear, from champagne showers to rubber boat surfing to cake smashing and lastly, to beautiful white chicks,

and racist white boys making me dance oppa gangnam style when the music came up, they literally change their view to me and want me to dance, even make a circle WTFFFF

anywho,

Fucking awesome partayyyyy!!!!

Back to reality aka study, fml~

" that emptiness one feels after some time, has actually been going on for another "
" you're merely late or slow, coming into that atmosphere ".

But regardless, books, notes, exams, cmon andy.

Stanfour Face To Face Basic Album Version 2010 NEU 360p

Feels like we're floating up a stream
Looking at a screen
It's like we're going nowhere
I need to see your face
Our photo album plays
Your eyes are like a maze that
Takes me down into cloudy deep blue skies

I don't wanna wait until tonight
I'm lost without you
I don't wanna stay up late tonight
Just thinking about you
Don't replace
Face to face
Another message reads
We might be face to face tonight

It feels like we're talking to machines
Touching plastic things
A picture can't replace a face that's beautiful
A rainy day that shines lost in power lines
Connect the wires to our bodies, souls and minds

I don't wanna wait until tonight
I'm lost without you
I don't wanna stay up late tonight
Just thinking about you
Don't replace
Face to face
Another message reads

We might be face to face tonight

Thoughts

That clouds and chokes my mind

Now i look more like a man

Why?
Cause I've bruises all over, from shin to arms.

Muay thai, intensive to a certain extent.
Just that it isn't my thing still.

Damn, where are you, motivation.

3-4 days already.
I really really miss you.

I need you.
I've been hanging out with the completely opposite you.


I miss the love you give me when I "fondle" you in a clockwise direction.
I NEED YOU, HOT WATER WTFBBQ ASDFGHJK:LKJHGFDSA

photographs.

Would you relive those days.
Or would you substitute them by looking at photographs?

I would rather relive it, if ever a possibility.

Friends With Benefits film: Paradise Dreaming (Frozen Miles) by Eric Paul

(Go) Feet come down, touch the ground
I feel sand between my (toes)
Sunlight, it's alright
There's no more frozen miles to go

---------------------------

That conversation he had with his dad at the airport. DAMN! HAHA

MLTR-That's Why (You Go Away)

Taxi story.

I'll tell you about this amazing taxi ride I had yesterday, but later..
Game time first, brb.

Okay, am back, so fucking intense, watching both SC2 and HoN competitions. Gosh, I would like to tell y'all the details but doubt y'all will understand.

Anyhow, Stephano, you're imba!
AND WTF THORZAIN HAS A GRANDMA CRAZY FAN WTF! AND GRANDMA!!!.. SHE FOLLOWS HIM AND HAS HIS PICTURES EVERYWHERE AROUND HER HOUSE, HOLY SHIT WTF IS THIS?!?!?!?!?

And back to the taxi story..

Well yesterday when I was on my way to Maze, I met this christian taxi driver telling me alot of stuff.
He keeps telling me that in life, you do things for others, then you can get things done back to you. So you do good stuff to people, people will do good stuff back to you.
Though it was kinda frustrating to hear him saying that buddhism is fake and christianity is the real thing. I'm like... meh... You believe thus you think that it is real, you've to see to believe. But.. regardless of that, he was reminding of moving on in life, do good to this batch of friends, and if they leave you, you'll get a new batch of friends that will treat you nicely. But I asked him.. so what if this is the group of friends you want to hang out with?

His reply was.. then god will make them realize that you are actually somebody that they should cherish and will come back to you somehow. Time will tell, you just have to sit and wait.

All he was talking to me about, was christianity is the right path, and karma is real.
I'd definitely believe in karma, but christianity, meh...

especially this story he said to me that a thailand monk died for 3 days, he was being tortured by demons in hell for 3 days then god saved him and he became a christian.

I mean srsly... religion.. to a point, can be fake.
I actually do believe that stories in religions were created by people with such a great mind to psycho people of the world in a fucking long run that they created stories, partially true and partially created, mix and match to make the whole thing so real that people believe in it. And because it has so many years of ... how do I say this.. like it has already went through such a long point that people will never believe that the bible or whatever religion stuff is fake, but yeah. the great minds of the past created this for money? legacy? greatest mind amongst people.

Well, it is something that we will never know.
I still believe in buddhism and will continue believing it, but I know .. that I've to believe in myself, because in my life, I can only depend and overcome myself.

He didn't have change when I left, so I tipped him 6 bucks and.. he said he would pray for me.
HAHA, guess what happened after? :)
Forgot my IC, met somebody that fracture my heart for the rest of the night.
Made me really just wanna stab myself, or just knock myself out so I won't think about anything.
Vomited everywhere, cried.

Life sucks, but oh wells..

Fly away..

不管流下多少眼淚
堅持下去的動力還在
Nothing I will be afraid

Fly away　不管未來有多困難
我仍然能感覺　心跳還在
Nothing I will be afraid

I know I am ready to move on, I must not look back.

She makes me wanna~

Christine, you give me motivation in my everyday life. I swear.
MC.US, I'll be rooting for you next week. PLEASE WIN <3 p="p">

镜中影花乱舞风　谁不怜惜情浓
春去秋来四季悾匆　留不住又何必眷恋残红
红尘来呀来　去呀去　都是一场梦
红尘来呀来　去呀去也空
日落向西来月向东　真情难填埋无情洞
红尘来呀来　去呀去也空

Sleeping at 6am everyday. This is wrong. Need to readjust my body clock :(

And you'll never know how your day would be. Today, the fire alarm saved my life hahahaha!

Suicidal dreams

I just had this suicide dream where everything was really sad. Like aftermath of whatever that had happened to me so far and more. Everyone was crying and I couldn't take no more and I just ran towards the balcony and dive to rock solid concrete.

Damn!

To attain a win win situation, both parties have to give in.

Week 7 of uni gonna be really tough! But life goes on! 2 reports 2 mid sem, let's do it Andy! Gonna ping pong this week through likka sumbadi bic boi~ ^^

Anyhow, my triceps area has been growing these spots and it wouldn't go away. Wtffff. Can anyone help me!!

When life takes off, you seem to discard blogger because you'll be too busy with alot of stuff to do.

Mine took off for quite abit. Kinda happy that it did.

But when I close my eyes and think about the past, I feel like I'm back in this pit again HAHA.
(just laughing at the pitiful me)

Anyhow, today's topic is about, birthdays.

Birthdays 's an occasion that everyone celebrates the day they are born into this world, a really special day for one and they're longing to celebrate with their love ones.

Since the day I was born, I remember that I used to celebrate my birthday with alot of people. Gradually the people kept going and going until the point where, some are gone.

And because of that incident, I was really upset and swore to never celebrate my birthday anymore. I was 8 that year I remember. Idk why I kicked up such a fuss but yeah, I felt that birthday celebration just ain't that special to me anymore.

My secondary sch mates, from my class, got me a leftover cake from my friend's fridge and celebrated my birthday. It was no longer than a 1minute birthday song which left everyone in awkwardness and we continued to play PS2, some X-men legacy thingy which can cater up to 4 players. It was special yet, I feel really empty after.

My dragonboat alumni mates, made it special for me on 2008 I think. I was really happy to have a cake once again. But it felt really empty after that.

Inbetween those years, I've always dined in mayim, a chinese restaurant in singapore, with my parents and silbing. Then after I'll go home by myself and loiter around the basketball court, play ball if there're people there, and life goes on.

Then came 2009, where this really special girl, surprised me with a cake infront of all my students, ( I was the coach of ite dragonboat team ) and made me really shocked. I didn't feel happy, told her the truth and she was kind of sad but yeah, it has been already that long since I actually really celebrated my birthday. But I really really appreciate it and thank whoever that is up there to help me revive this "happiness" I've been missing out.

2010, I celebrated my birthday with her again, at THE RISE, @ MBS. It was quite epic too, I felt really happy to be with her, she was my everything until 2 months later.

2011, I celebrated with 2 of my foundations friends, went clubbing and thats it. Nothing really special. Another one of this special girl left me before my birthday arrived.

2012, it happened again. Was so close to being happy again, to understand what birthday means to me. Planned out everything. An agreement was already petitioned and signed. But.. today, I'm celebrating my birthday alone in my own room. It's far worst than any, any of my birthdays.


Hahahahaha life goes on.
I really hate my life to a point, I just feel like laughing at everything sad, mad and bad. Because I'm tired of being all of that.

Happy birthday, to myself. :)

Emptiness

is when you can't share your happiness with somebody.

Right now a happy thing happened to me, but I can only be happy by myself.

Time to get used to it! :D

My first ever trip to bundoora

Hell. Total journey 1hr 30mins for a 20min lab.
Place, empty and boring. But likka new kinda feel to it. Super country side hahahahahah

Met one super hot and cute chick. Abc I think. ( okay I admit, side tracked there for abit )

Erm, Preston for breakfast/dinner. Suddenly it feels like I travelled ard Melbourne more now hahahaha.

Kay, I just wanna be home like now!
This is hellish.

Just for myself

The story ends here.
Connection cuts off here.
Emotions empty here.

I can finally leave this luggage on the floor, not carry it anymore and walk on ahead.

Note to self : 28/8/12 3:49pm

Closure~

I pray that it is finished, well done, and you're getting the rest you've needed for these past few days.

Now that it is all done.
I can finally heave a sigh of relief and walk away.

I've finally, really, for fucking sure this time, reached a closure.

Reborn, even if the scar stays

ROFL, ikr, I went back on my words and I started blogging again.

Guess this is the only zone I can pour out my thoughts and feelings whilst ignoring everybody's reactions and such.

Anyhow I actually was thinking about this when I injected laughter and a transcendence state into me.

One can tell another a joke, and they will laugh.

One can repeat that joke, and this time, lesser people will laugh.

One says it again, and this time, nobody laugh at all.

Then I think about it, with a smirk, like really..

If things can be like that, after awhile I won't cry and get hurt over the same thing over and over again any more. Definitely the same as everybody else, you've grown out of me getting hurt and kicking a fuss that it does not matter any more. 

And the same goes for me, I can finally not feel the pain any more. :)

Actually forgot to note this down after the effect wear off. But yeah, I believe I'm ready to take the next step in life! 

The last post until awhile

My only regret is to see you sad.
I know that I am the one who inflicted everything.

But you've never expressed that thought for me before. You just keep going through the motion, while I keep suffocating in pain.

But again, it is okay, at least I forced you to make a decision and should be delighted that you have made a decision, regardless of is it me or not.

I thank you for all the love you showered me with, which I believe those were real, but at the same time, after all of these, it felt like they were real because he wasn't around.

Even if you were to break up with him 3 weeks later and come back to me, I am very sure I cannot accept that. Because if you really did love me, you wouldn't let him stay with you, and its after that 2 blows you did to me.

I am just explaining.
You can just read.

But to my readers reading this, wish me good luck in that darker path which I've just chosen.
It is not the right thing, infact, people in the right mind will say it is the stupidest thing to do.

In fact, I'll also say the same thing, but really, there is a reason why people will succumb to that route. This past week made me realize, that walking this route can be another choice to another kind of happiness. Even if I know that the smiles will be carved out by the aid of some other organic substances, at least, I can really laugh and smile once more. Temporary or not, I'd rather do it.

Because too much shit has got to me. I'm really on the verge of giving up on life.
But because my parents did so much for me, it is only right for me to repay them. I will, I will repay them and make them proud of me in the right way, but for myself, I just want to be happy and smile again.

Thank you for the visits readers. I wish y'all all the best in life, and hope y'all won't get my kind of life. Get something better, something that can bring you more smiles everyday.

Good day.

Andy Low Andy Low.
There is always this perfect girl out there for you.
She will reciprocate your every love, shower you with love too.
And you can put your 100% trust in her that she won't cheat on you.
And though she may not be perfect in every ways..
You know, that she will be perfect for you.

So life goes on,

And boxhill tonight. Gonna hit da candy store.

Emotions that affects health

Mad and sad to the point that my heart actually hurts. Like pain is literally there when I breathe.

But it'll go. It'll definitely go.

"Losing you has really hit me hard."

Seriously, so losing me was just something you can bear to, can afford to, and leave me hanging while you toy my feelings. I finally see your true colours.

Not worth it. Bye. Totally over and done.

And side note to this particular you, don't tell me I have been treating you as an option, I was prepared to lose everything for you, thats how much you were worth to me. But on the other hand, you were the one treating me as a second option incase DERRICK SOH is not the right one for you.

Please, don't toy the next guy's feelings anymore. Not everyone can sustain those blows, not even me, especially when its more than once.

It just keeps happening now, every hour, it just bites.

Once again, the waterfall revives, but it will be the last, I promise.

Now I really know, that I am actually nothing in her eyes. 

I did all those stuff, because you made me do it.

If not how, I am supposed to be your second choice?

I am supposed to let yall stay together for 3 weeks then how am I supposed to face you after.

If I don't really love you, you think all of what you've done to me matters?

Yknow what, it doesn't matter anymore. Make sure you finish up that delivery and finish up your essays with the aid of that drink.

After all this, we are clean and done. Fuck off.

It was all stupidity! JUST FUCKIN FUCK OFF FROM MY LIFE FOREVER!!!

Hesitation

I typed, and backspaced.

Thoughts flowed into me, if she wanted me all along, she would have looked for me even after that.
Or should I consider time for recovery and stop being so demanding?

I typed and backspaced again.

I realize that even if I were to ask her that if you still want to talk to me, it would be me forcing her to talk to me.
It would be forcing.

I typed and backspaced yet again.
And I tell myself, it is pointless. I suddenly realize that I should stop hoping even, I should believe what everyone say and that this is over.
But I know inside me, I still love her so much that as long as she forgives me, I can still fight for her. I just want that mofo out of the pictur firste. 

I know that at the end of the day when I hurt you, I hurt myself too.

I don't seek for your understanding. I am just pouring my sorrows and thoughts.

I really invested and committed too much. I can't fold but I've to have the discipline to.

This time, I close the book.

A new found love

Damn, christine, cook for me baby <3 p="p">
Hahaha another new thing to fall in love with besides my new friend called emptiness :D

No where in sight.

Self torture is a form of sadist act that one does when either one is not in the right mind or one thinks that that's the only way, to stop one from doing something that might cause another's unhappiness.

To disable oneself, to stop oneself from causing trouble.

High level.

But as least it aids me in being heartless, when the deadline draws closer.

Another on e verge of leaving my life

Rather, my only friend that accompanies me 24/7 virtually starts to restart and bail on me.


Fml :(

Repost

Moral Fiber.

What is moral fiber?

I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds.
But lately I've been seeing it differently.

Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about.
That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world.
And when you find her, you fight for her.

You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it.

And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean.

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze.


----------------------------------------------------

But after all that's said, I learn that no matter how much one does, you'll just not end up with what you want.

It is like using a double edge sword for that particular fight, it's just stupidity. 
*laughs at my own stupidity*

Cutting myself everytime I try to do something that does not have positive returns is just forcing me towards that give up route.

Since fighting against it does not work, why not try joining the dark side.

Chips, every single day

Now I start dropping below the equalizer mark and adopting this vice as a everyday thing.

I know its wrong, but I've nothing else, to feed my soul.

That fatal blow, bruising the exterior, causing a hole that leaks, every bits and pieces that makes me me. Good emotions, good morals, good principles, kindness, just seep out of me as the days pass by.

Emptiness, void and everything negative starts to fill up the hollow insides of me.

Day by day, I learn to hope, trust, feel and believe lesser than the prev day. Soon, I'll be able to attain..

Last note

One won't understand if one does not experience.

My whole life, has been this kind of experience, gets from bad to worst.

I tolerated all of these my whole life.

Comes to a point where I just cannot take it already.

Take care..

Three musketeers

I just want to be selfish, for once.
And when I see one bro give up on me,
another keeps quiet,
the last one gets mad at me because of something else and malign me for losing money then take it all out to vent..


when I go crown just to numb that feeling away

when the truth is just that feeling is just unbearable from light to shade
when it doesn't fade
when it keeps me awake
when it lingers every second
and will not go away because that scum is here to stay.

You expect me to do everything your way?
When your jap/mex girl had a guy's hand on her waist, tell me how mad you got?
When I just insult your girl for abit in a joking manner, tell me how quickly you reacted to protect her?
If you drop your jacket, how worried or mad will you get?


And not that I want to go into the comparison scale..

When my girl that loves me and vice versa,
has another guy staying w her. Tell me, how mad should I get?

I should ignore and go home and start thinking? CAUSE I'm not in the right mind?
I should promise you something that I cannot promise? CAUSE " brother " is on the line?
I should let you just say " if you do it we're no longer brother? " CAUSE breaking that is too severe and will mean that I don't treat you as a brother?

I tell you honestly, I TREAT EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU, as something worthy to hold on to, to be brothers from one country to another.

But if I say, you don't have to be there for me this time, I mean it because I don't want my brothers to be involved and I know that if you're involved, something bad might happen.

Thank you all for everything.

When you forget

your friend's diving equipments,

you drown all of them together.

Hero once again

Self reflection-

Today I did something even I myself feel terrible about.
I feel like a scum yet I feel like I needed to do something for myself..

Because my whole life, I've been swallowing every shit, and the worst part is that nobody knows.
They just want to be happy, be selfish, think for themselves and hope that nothing bad or sad will happen to them.

Then that is where my role comes in, bring happiness, and leave with nothing but sadness.
It's kinda retarded, like all I get is just emptiness or shit kinda treatment. Besides my parents, I'm treated like a secondary object.

Yet my parents always say this phrase in Chinese " whatever you do, you must think about other people's plight ". And when I say what if I'm left with nothing at the end of the day, they'll say " don't have then don't have! it doesn't harm you also what right? "

They always tell me to be contented in life, don't do harm to people, whatever shit that comes your way, think of it as a light punishment and I might receive a bigger one if not for me being nice all this while etcetc.

But they never realize my feelings were trampled on by so many people. These people treat me like garbage when I treat them like jewels.

That is why, today I wanted to redeem myself by getting back at the person whom did all these bad things to me, so that I can exact revenge and make a stand that I'm not somebody you want to mess around with, cheat his feelings or whatsoever.

I feel so pathetic, that I stoop down to that level but I really, really just want to be happy with whatever I have. But you have to leave me when I thought I had you already, and tbh, was way contented and ecstatic.

Today, I pulled off another hero call, I decided to walk away. I wish you the best of luck.

Fairness

Was never an option.
Revenge was always my priority.
I really think that punishment is what you should receive..
Yet I harden myself, just to forgive you..

I just had to swallow this down.
I just don't know why.

Even the music is bullying me

Plays sequence on shuffle

- Simple plan - How could this happens to me
- Michelle branch - Are you happy now
- Azn dreamers - Fixing a broken heart
- Good Charlotte - My bloody valentines
- Oasis - Where did it all go wrong
- Alexisonfire - This could be anywhere in the world

..... Fuck?

A little tinge of sadness

Sometimes you just wish to have that special someone, who will let go of any bindings, break free from any chains, neglecting a bright future, except for being with you, and run towards you.

It's just so stupid, to dive so deep and pretend that you're breathing underwater

I'm
Just
Better
Off
Alone.

Loneliness, how suffocating.

To the level where everything in life is just going through it.
That void-ness eating me up~ becoming more human and cold hearted

If one can cry for him and not for you.
If one can break your heart and not your heart.
If one can reject you and not him.

Then this August to september when he comes over and stay w her.
One have no right to interfere and be angry or whatsoever. Because it doesn't matter anymore.

Then that person is not worthy of your love and I won't try to hold on. And what's the past, is the past. For 好马不吃回头草!

I realize, that there wasn't anything in your box anymore.

My most painful 3 months will begin now. Sigh.
Crown, can you always be nice to me? Give me more money? <3

Never wanna be a failure anymore

Throughout my life, I realize I've accomplished nothing to make my parents proud. Let's talk about something big, something worth talking about, like for example, results.

PSLE : 200/300

My mum was really happy when I told her the first digit was "2".
She was really worried when I got like 167/300 for the prelims and hired every other private tutor for me just to get me into a better school.

O levels : 29 points.
By then, from a prestigious primary sch, I've ended up somewhere even more "prestigious", the first president school, Yusof ishak sec. I was in express all the way np, was good in some subjects but never hardworking enough to pull up my grades. Getting arrogant once the teacher praise me and stop revising work was my forte. Ending up as one of the last few in the report card was a common thing for me too. So with 29 points, I ended in higher nitec, ITE Dover.

ITE Dover GPA : 2.8

Mum forced me to retake my Os thus I didn't really care about ITE studies. The last year I scored exceptionally well but that's all my GPA could go to. Found my new love in ITE, dragonboat. Spent almost my entire 2years in it and neglecting my parents and all, though they've been supporting me so hard and well, trying to tell me what's important and what's not. Yet I went for passion when I could research on how to shorten my study route, which is, overseas studies.

NS Rank : private

Tore my ligament, went for operation, made my parents worried again. No rank, can't make my parents proud. Bring home low income due to lousy education certificate and this stupid injury. Got office hours, had a girlfriend. Everyday after work would be either girlfriend or dragonboat coaching. Then again, I left my parents to their own, like I'm the worst child ever.

Overseas studies : Canada : stopped halfway.

Due to a certain reason and I wasted my parents money, effort and time to get me into that school and going to temples to pray for me and all.

Melbourne : failed my first semester

Cause I am from ITE, my math and physics aren't that strong to start off with and uni bombarded me with calculus. I couldn't take it and dropped to foundations.

Right now I'm in degree. 1st year 2nd semester.

And thinking back, I've only been making my parents worry about me. I've never done anything to make them proud of me, to be able to flaunt in front of others that, their child, is someone successful enough in any phase of his life that would make people envy them. All I've done is making them worry for my own sadness and pain, even about my relationship stuff.

I'm sorry mummy and papa, like damn sorry. I've been letting you guys down over and over again.
I promise I'll really work my ass off, and give you guys the best life you can ever think of, in the near future. If you ever read my blog, I want you to stay healthy, and ready, for me to pamper you 2.

I love you two.

Maybe

It's a blessing in disguise

Deep inside I know it is a waste.

But I know one cannot possess two of those at one time because that would just bring karma to bite you to death.

oh wells heartache. Don't stay for long.

How the universe connects

Met at 10 in a spicy country
Same place for exchange studies.

Fall in love and 's tgt ever since the first meet up.

Tell me about fate.
是你的就是你的,跑不掉的.

Puppet skills

It's hard to master. But once you do it right, you move them towards what you want them to be and everything just seen like its normal, like it's fated.

Though it may seem like a lonely world you are living in. At least, you can make one move on, even if it harms your reputation but it doesn't matter.

Repetitive scenes will tire one out until one decides to give up on something not as important though one wants to keep it with oneself, and time will gradually make one forget everything, one's sadness, mistakes, selfishness and you.

GET OUT OF MY SIGHT

FOREVER!

Lies

EVERYTHING, LIES!
Your words say something, your actions another.

Done and over.

Once again, I've put in something real, to receive something that cannot be held on.

Vent

Every motherfucking piece of shit on blogger.
I can't sleep. No mood for school. NOTHING!

Why do you have to ruin me. WHY

Give you time

To inflict pain on me.

真令人失望

You said you love me.
You kept telling me to wait and give me hope.
You made us feel like a couple, doing everything that a couple does.
Before I leave you said you love me and all.

You don't wanna think about it when I pop the question.
Do you know how painful it is to not be able to tell the world I love you?
And you expect me to STFD and watch things unfold.

And you say I'm being very mean to you. Why not you tell him about everything we have done together and see how that cunt reacts? Then you'll know who is more mean to you and all.

You just don't know how much you've hurt me.
Even though I still want to..
but..

F this shit.
I'm done w r/s stuff

今晚

不醉不归。心里真的太烦躁了

The goodbye process

Is never easy. Let's start by hardening the heart.

I really don't know if I should be happy or not.. That you can slowly let me go, or rather, suddenly let me go just like that.

It's just really sad to know that 我原来一点都不大重要。只是没有他的时候你才把我当宝，他一出现我就变成草。

But I guess.. It's really time, to face it. To face the facts and drop all hopes.

讲真的

我想知道你为什么会伤心
为什么我没有勇气去问你
为什么我怕惹到你生气

就不要你不理我，应为看到你痛苦，而我又帮不了忙，也对我很痛苦...

You lil cub

Control your actions, though they'll never change, like your prints.

Haywired

Why am I sad, when you treat me like dirt before, sigh.

Slicing

The fruits reminisces ...

Beach breeze take my pain away

The title says it all

Tick

Give it awhile, you'll move on smooth

The real end result

Have you ever thought that telling him the truth would lead to a lot of dramas but if he really loves you, he'll still be with you?!

Our last, for now.

In a few more hours, we'll part, and whether if the next few months will torture my emotions..

Will be up to how I handle and control things.
Think I'd be better off if I just focus on the things I like to do and ignore the rest.

Damn, I feel like going to the beach now and just listen to the waves. Just chill and waste time like that.

Emoticon low~

Just heed my advice

Some things are better left unsaid. :)

Maybe my resolution is?!

Single is to be more focus so as to create big things.
I want to create big things

If you realize, I've been trying to get myself back into the game but I've exams to cope with and such. But I guess everything is just going downhill from here.


I myself know that I'm treating you differently now, not as good as before but I want to, try and bounce back. But I guess. It's just impossible for now. I'm glad you loved me before and..


Yeah, sorry for wasting your time and effort.
Maybe I'm just not good enough.

Time, can you tell me what's happening in 3months?

A bleeding throat..


And I guess that felt more like a farewell dinner than a celebration dinner..

I wish we could go back to yesterday.

illogical

when you said that there is the wait, and there is no possible outcome positive to me.

Am I supposed to be nice to somebody that is standing in my way.

Am I..

Gah why am I even here right now..

It's just me refusing to believe that this is over.

I am done. Fucking done and over!

You said that a boyfriend to me is like this and like that.

Even that sounds stupid to me.

Just because it's what you have experienced so you thought that's the right way and refuse to accept me in just because I'm different and you've lasted just a period with him and still on going.

Bah, it's just your insecurities and afraid to let go of something that created a big part of you, isn't it. Then again, that is just human.

Because I did the same, I made you into a big part of my daily routine and life..

though I did not get the same returns.

It was my fault all along, to even try and make you fall in love with me. I deserve all this pain, regardless it's physical or mentally or anything else.

Fuck this, emotions fluctuating like mad. One moment I'm super mad, then I calm down and think and try to be reasonable and then I realize that I'm not being fair to myself but... zzzz

Okay, no mood already~

Thank you for everything..

Yours,

Emoticon Low.

Ran out of ink

She said, c'mon, let's embark on my island! You sit near the shore and await my return, if I return that is. She added, it might be long, or it might take forever, but if you can wait for me, I might be back for you. But you can take off back to your hometown, if it's taking too long..

It sounded really unreasonable to the man. He was unhappy yet willing,
Willing to put his hopes up there..
Willing to take the fall if it comes crashing down on him..
Willing to put his heart into this wait..

He released her hand.
She ran off.
And..

Highlighted before

And you still do it. 
Fuck this.

Scale

Wonder when will I be on the heavier side?

and whenever you say things like that, it just feels that you feel that way thus you say it.

its just.. sad to hear.

If only

You can say that.

Food for thought

I guess I'm really a huge impact in your life, even in such a short period.

I say

Love is when both parties initiates.
Not when only one looks for the other.

When that happens

When "sorry" doesn't fit the bill anymore..
When the pain seeps in and the other one is too occupied to even bother anymore

When it all goes downhill

dragonboat jacket zip spoil..
breathe in too much cold air while running and caused a severe heart pain
go class, eat sushi inside got fly
buy dinner food drop on floor and all the sauce gone

wud ze fugg you want with me lao tian ye? Like that torture me very shiok meh.

Lion heart

Courage is something valued from ancient times.
Courage is something that breaks you through old habits and instill a different future.
Courage is something that not everyone have

And I wish you have the courage, to fight back for me, when I'm fighting for you..

Haru Haru

Leave

Yeah, Finally I realize that I am nothing without you
I was so wrong, forgive me
Ah ah ah ah


My broken heart like a wave
My shaken heart like a wind
My heart vanished like smoke
It can't be removed like a tattoo
I sigh deeply as if a ground is going to cave in
Only dusts are piled up in my mind
(Say goodbye)


Yeah, I thought I wouldn't be able to live even one day without you
But somehow I managed to live on (longer) than I thought
You don't answer anything as I cry out "I miss you"
I hope for a vain expectation but now it's useless
What is it about that person next to you, did he make you cry?
Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?
I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can't get close nor try to talk to you
I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times


[Chorus]


Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)
Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye...


If we pass by each other on the street
Act like you didn't see me and go the way you were walking to
If you keep thinking about our past memories
I might go look for you secretly


Always be happy with him, (so) I won't ever get a different mind
Even smallest regret won't be left out ever
Please live well as if I should feel jealous
You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened


[Chorus]
I hope your heart fees relieved
Please forget about me and live (on)
Those tears will dry completely
As time passes by
It would've hurt less if we didn't meet at all (mm)
Hope you will bury our promise of being together forever baby
I pray for you


[Chorus]
Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye, bye
Oh my love don't lie, lie
You're my heart, say goodbye


 
 
And if this ever happens, I should be ready though, I never wanted things to end like this.
P.s. I love you
P.p.s. I've never regretted doing it :)

After a poisoned meal

She tied him up with a thin little thread and throw him into the ocean as the ship continues moving towards her destinated place.

"I really can't, I really .." is what he heard as he tries to gasp for oxygen. Despite that, he still struggles to break free and called out,

"Can't what! I, I.. cannot hear you! Let me stay with yo...", he said.

As he struggles to maintain his vision, what he saw was her, at the gunwale of the ship, with a sad face that shows she had to make this decision. He could feel her heart, not willing yet willing to let him go. He felt that excruciating pain in both his lungs and heart. He felt unworthy, he felt the sting right at his chest, tears came out of his eyes but were washed away as the waves come crashing into him as he struggles to be above the water surface.

For a moment, he felt deaf, he felt that all he could hear was him panting, his heart pumping and the image of her. Every inch of his muscles struggling felt insensitive to him, as though they were working on their own accord as he dived into another dimension.. thinking..

There're just so many factors, so many factors to consider but in his heart, he just wished that she would just look at things in a way that if she would pull him back on board and abandon that place where the storm comes from..

He would make sure that they will savour every minute and second of happiness, sadness, anger and bitterness together and create a bond so strong its unbreakable..

But that just wouldn't happen..
Because, it was just as thin as thread.

Story Of Two

He saw her, he saw her baggage, he saw a storm behind her and yet he dived in..

and it goes like this..

They were two people that never met, yet brought together by fate.
Communication started after an awkward misunderstandings and it never died
Attraction and infactuation grew as the days go by.
A bond was created and suddenly, they couldn't leave each other's arms.

Bathe in the sun, enjoy the smiles and laughter.
Feel the warmth and company, muster the courage and profess.
Going through that sacred verbal ritual, you chant out words, mumble the codes, you let one realize how you feel..

Rainbows and unicorns just fill the lush meadows, flowers blooming in the trial you and her leave behind. Leaves and petals so shiny that anyone will call it paradise. It was nothing but happiness, it was magical.

As a new decision is made, a new journey began. They board their ship, and carry on towards a next step of their very own future. They talked about everything and anything, everything just feels natural..

Then he forget about the storm that is approaching as your ship moves towards her direction.
Hou plead for a change of course as you notice the abrupt unbalance of emotions. You plead her and she hesitates. She says, the storm is where she belongs.

He reach out to her hand and tell her, come towards where I belong, its a place that you'll love, you'll want to learn, you'll know that you've not made the wrong choice.

She hesistates again, and locks the steering. She keeps repeating, I don't know, I really don't know. I've not been to that land of yours before, I'm unfamiliar, I'm scared. I'm not willing to give up on this land that I've commited for some time, but if I could, I would really follow you, but..

He places a finger on her lips and tells her, if thats what you wish, I've no objections, and I'm willing to brave through that upcoming storm with you, if you take me with you.. and too, if you want to enter my land one day, it'll always be open for you.

He gripped her hands firmly, with eyes that gives nothing but assurance.
He then hugged her tightly and said..

I'll carve a chair out of stone and wood and wait for you, I'll fend off any wild beast that's going to hinder my position and sight as I wait for you, I'll keep my eyes peeled, and wait for your arrival, until time takes me away..

~

Lightbulb~

I've never thought I would learn something this time but maybe I actually did, and its to just hope when the meteoroid strikes, the impact wouldn't hurt so much.

Deceit

The best form of deceit, is when one never sees through it..
And I hate it when I'm able to pull that off.. Fuck

Best Wishes

I wish you all the best in whatever things you choose in life

just because I'm not part of it and most prolly..

will not be a part of it.

Have a good one.
until the day you decide you really want me, want to possess me, want me as the most important guy that will bring you the utmost happiness that no others can give.. then I'll be the one that doesn't wish, but gives you the best.

Digging your own grave

Just means..
1)Suicidal
2Kamikaze
3)Leap of faith - to thorns and blades
4)End of tunnel with train rushing towards you at 19373911618mph

5)Falling in love....

Loopholes

Perfection in a being is close to zero.
One can only work to his best, to give others the best, to show them the best, and inch closer to perfection.

I tried perfection, but never did I realize, to get the "perfect" return that I never wanted to receive. I feel shortchanged.. sad.. lost.

Tired for some stuff, and fired for others, I'm not going to give up in myself, rather this time I want to do even better. Give me that chance, and I will prove to everybody, that I'm trying my best, to give you happiness/things that are towards my standard of perfection.

Undying will~

Scale

That weightage of importance just counts, and everyone wants to be of the utmost importance.

You..

..flip my world upside down.
and I love it.
You..

..make me want to show you all my flaws.
because you accept them.
You..

..give me heart attacks time and time again, be it in a good or bad way and I love it.
It fonds, it races, it beats, and it aches, I love the first 3, not the aching part though hahaha.
You..

..make me do stupid things.
because my love is "savage garden" for you.
You..

..make every inch of my skin scream with joy when I'm with you
and I mean it, every single bit of it.
You..

..are worth fighting for..
because there's just something I foresee, something happy, something bright.




..but unfortunately.. I'll never get that chance..

Just stop this heartache, I can't take it anymore...

My whole life, whenever I try hard for something, I lose it.
The more I go for it, the faster it runs away from me.
Then I switched a mindset and start doing things for others.

Even if I know that she's the right person, I give up the fight..
I just feel fucking helpless, fucking useless, fucking worthless..

It's like whatever I do in life is wrong, I've to give it others to make things right..

But it's not like I wanna prove anything, prove that I can make things right. I just am tired of losing things, things that feels special, not something that downgrades into something not special, like just being friends.

Yknow what, after saying all these, I really feel like slapping myself for talking so much shit. I should learn to shut the fuck up, shut my heart up, and go back to sitting in my room alone and game my life away since my internet is up already.

Everytime I say something to someone and I really fucking mean it, it disappears.

Dafugg you trying to tell me god. really.. I'm really tired, of losing things, regardless of how hard I try, how hard I hold on to it, it just has to disappear from me....

Just stop fucking with me sometimes, I don't want temporary, I want something that lasts till the end of time, something worth the climb.

That thing that beats

It longs for you.
Even if it hurts it still wants you.
Your voice soothes it.
Your concern warms it.
Your presence assures it.


But sometimes, your words and actions breaks it.

When life gives you lemons, you step on them and make yourself 酸 in every way.

I know I won't be able to do it fast, and I'm dropping into the abyss faster than I can climb, enjoying the thrill within that up coming danger.

I know that I have to fix up this circuit board fast, but it's gonna electrocute me if I take my own sweet time.

I know that this mirage is fun to be in, the mass effects that makes me smile and long to stay, that every second of joy that brings a skin screaming sensation of happiness. But if I can never sculp a reality out of it, when it fades, it'll be nothing once again.

I've to harden.

I can never find..

" maybe, it's just for the better "

because it just doesn't make me feel any better.

When you risk it all, and get a broken heart.

You realize that life, really has no fucking purpose.

I just fucking hate myself, so so fucking much.

Moral Fiber.

What is moral fiber?

I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds.
But lately I've been seeing it differently.

Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about.
That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world.
And when you find her, you fight for her.

You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it.

And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean.

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze.

Straitjacket feeling

Friends around me are all getting attached, attached, or fooling around with other girls.
I believe its just human to think this way, that everyone needs somebody.
To feed their soul in every different aspect.

I, chose the wrong person.
Right now, the scenario goes like this, if I ever go for that item that feeds my soul, lets just say, till the end of my life, I'll cause a really huge ruckus. And as days goes by, this item' shell will grow thicker and thicker until the day when I'll never get access to it anymore. UNLESS, it breaks on it's own? Hahahaha.

I really need somebody to talk to, but seems like I can't say anything to anybody here, because it'll just blow up and unneccesary trouble will follow suit after.

Love is blind and deaf, quoted by a friend.
Love is also something you fight for, regardless of the circumstances.
Friendship is a bond that heals after breaking. Some abuse this power, to restrict others.

I can honestly say, I'm suffering quite abit right now. I feel kinda lonely, and sad. This week has been really rough on me. I really don't know how much longer will this downhill trip last but please, make it quick....

Yes, it's a sad week, thus I posted. Has been really long since I felt this heavy load on my shoulders once again. Well, the only thing I can make myself feel better is just this, that at least I still have a blog which I can pour my sorrows into.

Just gotta learn to climb out of this pit a little faster.

Oh my mercs~

Okay seriously, I don't wanna go back to melbourne due to this high level of fun I'm experiencing in singapore HAHA, but sigh, time's up! I've to head back to melbourne in less than 24 hours.

It was a really awesome 3 weeks here, friends, family and all. There's just too much to say, and I'm too lazy to type.

I'm gonna miss everything here, my family, my friends, the cheap food, the clubs..

and most importantly, my mercs D:

( I believe nobody reads my blog anymore so.. )

and the mercs-girl HAHAHAHA
Gosh, been so fucking long, since I got this heartpumpdamnfast feeling.
( Should've took another pic with her, gah~ D: )

But anyhow, I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed.

AND.. follow my heart~
Thats it folks, i need to go pack my bag, after I have a good long rest HAHA LAST MINUTE FTW~


P.S. I need a car in melbourne ASKFJSAGHKLAHJAGK!! gonna psycho my dad hehehe

Post 360~

I realize I only blog whenever I feel that this something needs to be written down and to be remembered for the rest of my life..

anyhow...

Its been 11 months since I first left singapore towards this journey, this journey of knowledge, of new friendship, of a foreign area filled with so many things to explore, @ melbourne.

Happy 11th monthsary to china style and my regular patronization.
Happy 11th monthsary to subway as my everyday breakfast. [ Double meat fillet with bacon HOLYSHIT ]

And good bye to the chef at china style. It still feels kinda sad to not have him around, hes the only guy that speaks hokkien to me in Melbourne D: Anywho, I wish him a happy new year, and a great life ahead!! He says he stays in bahan? <-- idk the spelling, but its some part of msia. I would like to visit him someday if possible. :D

2, of my best friends/neighbours are moving out, to FUCKING 1 LEVEL LOWER?!?! THESE CUNTS!!!!!!

HAHA oh wells, at least they ain't that far away from me and yeah, we could still meet up from time to time. GOODBYE ISHTI AND AAMIR D:D:D:D:

BUT chinese has this saying eh, new ones wont come if old ones doesnt go, so, hope I'll get new nice neighbours hahahaha :D

And yeah, exams tomorrow, but I don't really feel like studying at all?! I think I'm fully prepared already yknow?

OH OH!! YESTERDAY, I went to ace of spades, this shuffling club, holy shit, everyone inside was shuffling like a bouse! GOD I NEED TO PERFECT MY SHUFFLING MAN!

OKAY thats it for now!
Pardon me for not updating my blog recently.. hehe ;D

I'm gonna work hard on my sponsored team in team refiance! [ to hopefully get full sponsorship ]
I'm gonna work hard for my studies.

Girls, meh, for now, I won't think about it, though I have this one special girl in my mind HAHA


KK till nexttime~