My brain

Every time when I make a decision in life, be it in general, specifically and what not.

I always picture myself coming into a crossroad. 

Not that I love fucking around with myself and making me stressed up for no good fucking reason but, when I meet a crossroad, it ain't a path that diverge into merely 2 or 3 different paths.

It fucks around with me by giving me multiple paths, too many actually and the aftermath of every single choice I make. Furthermore it breaks down into very specific details where a minor tweak in the action would result in another path opened up for me to choose. 

That's not the end even. It goes really far fetched and starts to build up many many more scenarios until the end product if my brain ever feels like doing it.

Then I'll start to compare each scenario whilst gauging the percentage of success for each path taken to the goals that I aim to acquire. 

This is just a slight breakdown and we have not included emotions nor personality inside.

So it is just basically me thinking a lot and playing safe in life, trying to not fuck things up but still not forgetting to yolo hard and live life breaking its boundaries and going the extra mile blah blah. 

Yeah I just haven't got the the point.

The downside of this brain of mine?

It is when I try to calculate how to fight against a Black Hole and still believe there are odds of me winning.

I know right, feel like just throwing myself inside a washing machine and spin until my brain reset.

And as of now, I think I should stop believing in love. So real yet so deceiving. 

Slamming the doors

Typing and backspacing as the seconds tick by, so many thoughts, so many words to be said, so much hatred and so much sadness.

So many paths to choose yet bend on taking that one path.

Justifiable? Only to myself.

Nothing changes as time stays constant.

Ponder and wonder, the ache still remains.

Feel like imitating your rashness. Just because we want to do what we want to do. 

Feel like doing something stupid. Just because the consequences are overrated.

Feel like shit.

Feel like throwing my phone away...

Pulsate and echoes

Deep in my heart, my lungs and every fibre of my very being.
I want to fucking shout at your ever cute and bubbly face.

But since doing that is gonna be inappropriate.
I am going to shout here then.

DONT FUCKING GO LA CCB MUST GO MEH?!
KNNBPCBNBCBCCBWTFBBQ

Mask of deceit | Double-edged sword

Bring a face for every scenario.

Be truthful to yourself, but be accommodating to the scene that one faces.

Smile and laugh, cause it ain't too hard to please.

And never reveal the naked side of you.

Pick up the double-edged sword.

Swing it back and forth. 

Find happiness and sadness in it.

Kill and get killed.

This is still my personal space where I throw my thoughts and shit that I do not want to cope with inside. So people who unravel this, I hope you'd respect my space, keep calm and don't judge ^_^

And honestly, I will never lie or send information via my blog to anon that I want to reach. 

Anyway here goes,

I really do not understand why is the wound so deep.

When the distance walked ain't enough to keep.

All the telepathy and similarities that we possess.

Is so near yet may only be just a guess. 

I should not have gambled the talk.

And instead just walk the walk.

Looking from my own perspective that all of these may seem one sided.

When actually the answers are all kept, locked and hidden.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I am slowly beginning to hate myself.

Hate that I watch and let things slide and not even trying to fight for it.

The old me would've just .. in this scenario .. did everything to stop that from happening despite knowing the chances of success is 0.1%. 

Okay maybe I've just become more realistic and not dramandy anymore haha.

But sigh, it really still cuts me to just sit and watch. 

And just a little more rant, I punched a hole in the wall, fml, must pay for maintenance liao.

And the fucking arab in my project group use baby to DEH me say cannot do report.

Fucking habibi. Fucking bad day ( Though its Thurs already ), fucking bad start, terrible afternoon, aiya just fuck today. Fucking wish it never happened or I comatose all the way until next fucking Friday.

I'm still alive

Skipped 8 hours of class, destroyed a wall and etc etc.

Accessing and reflecting myself the entire day, as to whether if my actions are justifiable to my personal self. Whether if I can still look myself in the mirror after all of these.

And my conclusion?

When you really want something, no matter what odds you are up against, all you've to do is to become the bigger person, become something bigger than the odds and conquer it.

Those nasty information? Gah fuck it, lets start by messing with that brain of yours Andy low, time to forget stuff or take it with a pinch of salt.

Indifferent

Have I ever told you about a trait of my dad?

No?

Okay here goes.

He's a man who tolerates.

No shit, he tolerates everything, for years, and he shows no emotion regarding things that irritates him. He either walks away or gives no flying fuck about it. 

And he tolerate to the point something bad happened in him. 

But it should be healing fine :(

As for me, I am the loser version of him. I can't fucking tolerate shit, or rather I have my mum's tolerance, which is close to none, we show our reaction when something happens. But I believe I make up for it by recovering asap from the situation and try to solve it.

Anyway, now it comes to what I want to talk about. 

This dad of mine, got cut by a machine and poured iodine into the wound and didn't make a single sound. The wound was at least 10-15cm long and 3cm wide. Bit a piece of cloth, held the cupboard really tightly and just withstand the pain like it was a mere cut.

And I can't even handle something like this....

Just fucking bite the bullet and ignore every motherfucking shit that you feel unhappy about.

Dig deep

Beside me lies a shovel as a raging sandstorm comes flying towards me. I have time, more than enough time to dig myself a shell scrape to escape. A deep one even. 

The ballsy or rather, dumb me wants to hold my breath, clench my fist and soldier through the entire storm but yet I am considering to live to fight another day. 

The sandstorm closes it's distance every second as I pick up the shovel and sigh.

Hesitation keeps lingering in my head as I  stare into the upcoming monstrosity.

"This is gonna be a pain" I mumbled.

My arms started moving on its own as I thought about survival. Meh, this ain't gonna hurt, it's just a mere 48 hours or slightly more. Right after the sandstorm it'll be fireworks.

Only after a mere 20minutes i dug myself a "home" deep enough to hide for upcoming ordeal. I hopped in and curl myself up while the song of pain became louder and louder. 

"Alright, time to sleep" I thought.

I close my eyes, tuck my chin in and lay my face on my thighs. A sudden adrenaline kick came in as the lights dimmed and the world started quaking..

I smirk. 

Chuck and focus

What's done is done, it's all said and in the past. 

And whatever that's gonna happen, ain't gonna change how I feel for you.

And besides that, starting on a 20 page report that is due tmr, fuck me. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Doubt it will

The hardest thing to do in life for me is pretense.

To pretend that I don't give a shit

When I really do. 

To be honest, it sucks, but on the bright side, at least I am going to be busy from 8-5 tonight. Enough to keep my mind off things and dgaf.

Time to fly.

And hopefully this doesn't get outta the box. 

Checkpoint for myself

I have so many things lined up for me, I swear, too many including the weekly partying and trust me, if anyone is reading this, check out bamboo saturdays, you'll never regret it I swear.

I am attending Defqon 1 at SYD, Ultra Music Festival at BKK, Hardwell back in MEL, Stereosonic and Zoukout.

Though I'm on full swing yolo, I do know that I have to control myself so that I can get my studies done as well so yeah, don't worry readers <3 div="">

Anyway, you guys do know that I only post when I have thoughts clouding my mind.

Truthfully, if you read the last post, and maybe a few more before, I am pretty sure you know that I am interested in this particular somebody who I'll call tomato in this post.

I can't believe that I have only known her for a month.

Tomato is really a different girl compared to many others. I've had my fair share of friends,girlfriends,girlbros and all and trust me, do not go anywhere near " aiya, because you like her ofc she is different and whatnot ", she is uniquely different and attractive. 

I do not like her or am interested in her just because she is the oddball amongst my experience.

There is always that awkward shyness between us, yet the readiness to tease and even swearing at each other. Note: Might be one sided HAHA.

Well, and to be fair, what cuts me, abit only ah, am affected BUT ABIT ONLY, is that she shuts me off pretty cleanly regarding the relationship side. Her friend did tell me that she likes me as a friend, but it is just the wrong timing.

Yeah besides that, that's it lor. Don't even know where I am going with this.

Just want to throw some thoughts into this space and clear my mind off it. No shit my friends, I like this person. 

But yeah, there's nothing more than this I guess. 

Okay! Peace out mates~ 

Have a great week ahead :)

A little writing on the long way back home

Simultaneously locking my phone whilst looking up after hearing my name being called, all I saw was a pair of ever mesmerizing eyes. A formidable force came along with her stare and it felt uneasy to return.

I twitch and stutter, swallowed as I quickly ran through my mind as to what should I say, but wait, I actually forgot what did she ask, or did she? 

I panic and went into honest mode, the buzzer killer and told her that she looks really fierce though her eyes are really beautiful. 

As I finally managed to look her in the eyes and speak, her right brow raised as if thats what she wanted to reply me.

Them features once again threw me off my guard and made me nervous. "Andy, why the fuck are you cornered? You're the man that is fueled with fucking confidence and laughter", I thought to myself. 

Hastily I started another conversation as I fought to get my composure back on track as the night went on....