Emptiness

is when you can't share your happiness with somebody.

Right now a happy thing happened to me, but I can only be happy by myself.

Time to get used to it! :D

My first ever trip to bundoora

Hell. Total journey 1hr 30mins for a 20min lab.
Place, empty and boring. But likka new kinda feel to it. Super country side hahahahahah

Met one super hot and cute chick. Abc I think. ( okay I admit, side tracked there for abit )

Erm, Preston for breakfast/dinner. Suddenly it feels like I travelled ard Melbourne more now hahahaha.

Kay, I just wanna be home like now!
This is hellish.

Just for myself

The story ends here.
Connection cuts off here.
Emotions empty here.

I can finally leave this luggage on the floor, not carry it anymore and walk on ahead.

Note to self : 28/8/12 3:49pm

Closure~

I pray that it is finished, well done, and you're getting the rest you've needed for these past few days.

Now that it is all done.
I can finally heave a sigh of relief and walk away.

I've finally, really, for fucking sure this time, reached a closure.

Reborn, even if the scar stays

ROFL, ikr, I went back on my words and I started blogging again.

Guess this is the only zone I can pour out my thoughts and feelings whilst ignoring everybody's reactions and such.

Anyhow I actually was thinking about this when I injected laughter and a transcendence state into me.

One can tell another a joke, and they will laugh.

One can repeat that joke, and this time, lesser people will laugh.

One says it again, and this time, nobody laugh at all.

Then I think about it, with a smirk, like really..

If things can be like that, after awhile I won't cry and get hurt over the same thing over and over again any more. Definitely the same as everybody else, you've grown out of me getting hurt and kicking a fuss that it does not matter any more. 

And the same goes for me, I can finally not feel the pain any more. :)

Actually forgot to note this down after the effect wear off. But yeah, I believe I'm ready to take the next step in life! 

The last post until awhile

My only regret is to see you sad.
I know that I am the one who inflicted everything.

But you've never expressed that thought for me before. You just keep going through the motion, while I keep suffocating in pain.

But again, it is okay, at least I forced you to make a decision and should be delighted that you have made a decision, regardless of is it me or not.

I thank you for all the love you showered me with, which I believe those were real, but at the same time, after all of these, it felt like they were real because he wasn't around.

Even if you were to break up with him 3 weeks later and come back to me, I am very sure I cannot accept that. Because if you really did love me, you wouldn't let him stay with you, and its after that 2 blows you did to me.

I am just explaining.
You can just read.

But to my readers reading this, wish me good luck in that darker path which I've just chosen.
It is not the right thing, infact, people in the right mind will say it is the stupidest thing to do.

In fact, I'll also say the same thing, but really, there is a reason why people will succumb to that route. This past week made me realize, that walking this route can be another choice to another kind of happiness. Even if I know that the smiles will be carved out by the aid of some other organic substances, at least, I can really laugh and smile once more. Temporary or not, I'd rather do it.

Because too much shit has got to me. I'm really on the verge of giving up on life.
But because my parents did so much for me, it is only right for me to repay them. I will, I will repay them and make them proud of me in the right way, but for myself, I just want to be happy and smile again.

Thank you for the visits readers. I wish y'all all the best in life, and hope y'all won't get my kind of life. Get something better, something that can bring you more smiles everyday.

Good day.

Andy Low Andy Low.
There is always this perfect girl out there for you.
She will reciprocate your every love, shower you with love too.
And you can put your 100% trust in her that she won't cheat on you.
And though she may not be perfect in every ways..
You know, that she will be perfect for you.

So life goes on,

And boxhill tonight. Gonna hit da candy store.

Emotions that affects health

Mad and sad to the point that my heart actually hurts. Like pain is literally there when I breathe.

But it'll go. It'll definitely go.

"Losing you has really hit me hard."

Seriously, so losing me was just something you can bear to, can afford to, and leave me hanging while you toy my feelings. I finally see your true colours.

Not worth it. Bye. Totally over and done.

And side note to this particular you, don't tell me I have been treating you as an option, I was prepared to lose everything for you, thats how much you were worth to me. But on the other hand, you were the one treating me as a second option incase DERRICK SOH is not the right one for you.

Please, don't toy the next guy's feelings anymore. Not everyone can sustain those blows, not even me, especially when its more than once.

It just keeps happening now, every hour, it just bites.

Once again, the waterfall revives, but it will be the last, I promise.

Now I really know, that I am actually nothing in her eyes. 

I did all those stuff, because you made me do it.

If not how, I am supposed to be your second choice?

I am supposed to let yall stay together for 3 weeks then how am I supposed to face you after.

If I don't really love you, you think all of what you've done to me matters?

Yknow what, it doesn't matter anymore. Make sure you finish up that delivery and finish up your essays with the aid of that drink.

After all this, we are clean and done. Fuck off.

It was all stupidity! JUST FUCKIN FUCK OFF FROM MY LIFE FOREVER!!!

Hesitation

I typed, and backspaced.

Thoughts flowed into me, if she wanted me all along, she would have looked for me even after that.
Or should I consider time for recovery and stop being so demanding?

I typed and backspaced again.

I realize that even if I were to ask her that if you still want to talk to me, it would be me forcing her to talk to me.
It would be forcing.

I typed and backspaced yet again.
And I tell myself, it is pointless. I suddenly realize that I should stop hoping even, I should believe what everyone say and that this is over.
But I know inside me, I still love her so much that as long as she forgives me, I can still fight for her. I just want that mofo out of the pictur firste. 

I know that at the end of the day when I hurt you, I hurt myself too.

I don't seek for your understanding. I am just pouring my sorrows and thoughts.

I really invested and committed too much. I can't fold but I've to have the discipline to.

This time, I close the book.

A new found love

Damn, christine, cook for me baby <3 p="p">
Hahaha another new thing to fall in love with besides my new friend called emptiness :D

No where in sight.

Self torture is a form of sadist act that one does when either one is not in the right mind or one thinks that that's the only way, to stop one from doing something that might cause another's unhappiness.

To disable oneself, to stop oneself from causing trouble.

High level.

But as least it aids me in being heartless, when the deadline draws closer.

Another on e verge of leaving my life

Rather, my only friend that accompanies me 24/7 virtually starts to restart and bail on me.


Fml :(

Repost

Moral Fiber.

What is moral fiber?

I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds.
But lately I've been seeing it differently.

Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about.
That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world.
And when you find her, you fight for her.

You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it.

And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean.

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze.


----------------------------------------------------

But after all that's said, I learn that no matter how much one does, you'll just not end up with what you want.

It is like using a double edge sword for that particular fight, it's just stupidity. 
*laughs at my own stupidity*

Cutting myself everytime I try to do something that does not have positive returns is just forcing me towards that give up route.

Since fighting against it does not work, why not try joining the dark side.

Chips, every single day

Now I start dropping below the equalizer mark and adopting this vice as a everyday thing.

I know its wrong, but I've nothing else, to feed my soul.

That fatal blow, bruising the exterior, causing a hole that leaks, every bits and pieces that makes me me. Good emotions, good morals, good principles, kindness, just seep out of me as the days pass by.

Emptiness, void and everything negative starts to fill up the hollow insides of me.

Day by day, I learn to hope, trust, feel and believe lesser than the prev day. Soon, I'll be able to attain..

Last note

One won't understand if one does not experience.

My whole life, has been this kind of experience, gets from bad to worst.

I tolerated all of these my whole life.

Comes to a point where I just cannot take it already.

Take care..

Three musketeers

I just want to be selfish, for once.
And when I see one bro give up on me,
another keeps quiet,
the last one gets mad at me because of something else and malign me for losing money then take it all out to vent..


when I go crown just to numb that feeling away

when the truth is just that feeling is just unbearable from light to shade
when it doesn't fade
when it keeps me awake
when it lingers every second
and will not go away because that scum is here to stay.

You expect me to do everything your way?
When your jap/mex girl had a guy's hand on her waist, tell me how mad you got?
When I just insult your girl for abit in a joking manner, tell me how quickly you reacted to protect her?
If you drop your jacket, how worried or mad will you get?


And not that I want to go into the comparison scale..

When my girl that loves me and vice versa,
has another guy staying w her. Tell me, how mad should I get?

I should ignore and go home and start thinking? CAUSE I'm not in the right mind?
I should promise you something that I cannot promise? CAUSE " brother " is on the line?
I should let you just say " if you do it we're no longer brother? " CAUSE breaking that is too severe and will mean that I don't treat you as a brother?

I tell you honestly, I TREAT EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU, as something worthy to hold on to, to be brothers from one country to another.

But if I say, you don't have to be there for me this time, I mean it because I don't want my brothers to be involved and I know that if you're involved, something bad might happen.

Thank you all for everything.

When you forget

your friend's diving equipments,

you drown all of them together.

Hero once again

Self reflection-

Today I did something even I myself feel terrible about.
I feel like a scum yet I feel like I needed to do something for myself..

Because my whole life, I've been swallowing every shit, and the worst part is that nobody knows.
They just want to be happy, be selfish, think for themselves and hope that nothing bad or sad will happen to them.

Then that is where my role comes in, bring happiness, and leave with nothing but sadness.
It's kinda retarded, like all I get is just emptiness or shit kinda treatment. Besides my parents, I'm treated like a secondary object.

Yet my parents always say this phrase in Chinese " whatever you do, you must think about other people's plight ". And when I say what if I'm left with nothing at the end of the day, they'll say " don't have then don't have! it doesn't harm you also what right? "

They always tell me to be contented in life, don't do harm to people, whatever shit that comes your way, think of it as a light punishment and I might receive a bigger one if not for me being nice all this while etcetc.

But they never realize my feelings were trampled on by so many people. These people treat me like garbage when I treat them like jewels.

That is why, today I wanted to redeem myself by getting back at the person whom did all these bad things to me, so that I can exact revenge and make a stand that I'm not somebody you want to mess around with, cheat his feelings or whatsoever.

I feel so pathetic, that I stoop down to that level but I really, really just want to be happy with whatever I have. But you have to leave me when I thought I had you already, and tbh, was way contented and ecstatic.

Today, I pulled off another hero call, I decided to walk away. I wish you the best of luck.

Fairness

Was never an option.
Revenge was always my priority.
I really think that punishment is what you should receive..
Yet I harden myself, just to forgive you..

I just had to swallow this down.
I just don't know why.

Even the music is bullying me

Plays sequence on shuffle

- Simple plan - How could this happens to me
- Michelle branch - Are you happy now
- Azn dreamers - Fixing a broken heart
- Good Charlotte - My bloody valentines
- Oasis - Where did it all go wrong
- Alexisonfire - This could be anywhere in the world

..... Fuck?

A little tinge of sadness

Sometimes you just wish to have that special someone, who will let go of any bindings, break free from any chains, neglecting a bright future, except for being with you, and run towards you.

It's just so stupid, to dive so deep and pretend that you're breathing underwater

I'm
Just
Better
Off
Alone.