Your life used to be my responsibility.
Your life used to be more important than mine.
Your future, is my future.
My life, 've already been long sold to you, to ensure that smile forever.

But now you dump it back on me.
And I need some time to recover.
I respect, I try to mitigate all the pain to be able to perservere, endure your wishes.
But I needed a cure to this pain, and you're the cure and the pain.
We tried talking, I made a mistake and end up gone from your list of friends.
I still try, to concern, lesser and lesser as the days goes by. You cannot expect me to straight away cut off every connection away from you. I too need time to slowly fade my feelings and needs for you.

But..

You suffocate me and ignore every bit of me. I feel uneasy, when you don't reply, or reply in a way you don't want to reply, and use school and busy as an excuse. Because I'm not even worth 1 minute of your life, to reply a text, even when you have so much time to text when you're on your way home. If you respect me.. you should at least.. and not make me suffocate like that, or my needs were never important to you...

I've done what I've needed to do.
Pouring my sorrows and stuffs.
Although I never wanted you to change your impression of me. Desperation and not being in the right mind just caused all these madness.

But at least I know, I think you've changed your thoughts from ' hurting me and feeling the guilt ', to ' forgiving me because of my moments of folly '.
I hope things for you will recover asap for you, and forgiving a person is normally easier for one to move on with life, than waiting to be forgiven.Your happiness is always going to be my priority, although I must do things my weird ways and sometimes causing alot more problems than solutions, but I hope I did the right thing and you can live your life more happy than the period when you still had the impression of ' hurting a nice guy '.I will really miss you, if fate permits, I want to be with you again.
I hope my life would be smoother from now, 3:44AM SGT 24/10/2010.
I'm sorry once again, to want things to go my way if it caused you alot of trouble because I didn't think right before deciding what to do.

I'd rather make you hate me..
Than to not be able to talk to you at all..
help me somebody.. please.

If only..

But I know snatching you back now will not bring any good.

So I've to let you go.

It pains me to this great extent, but I guess I've to get used to it.

Time to move on Andy Low Guo Hao.
I never regretted loving you, and will still do, if you're willing to.

My fire, still burning till..


Yes, it's a old style of BBQ-ing. Used logs and paper to maintain the fire. And ate the hot dogs with so much soot and ash on it O_O
Now my throat hurts and I feel like I'm being poisoned already. Have been drinking like 2litres of water already and feeling slightly feverish, but oh wells.
That's my day today, nothing much. I stared at the fire, as it reveals all the sad and happy times, oh how I wish that time can still turn back. Even now thinking of who is gonna pick me up / send me off at the airport makes me sad. Sigh.

I envy some of my friends whom completed LDR.
Jinkai if you ever read this, I damn envy you sia, you waited 4 years O_O

OKAY NO MORE EMOTIONAL POSTS!

Time to pokemon hehe :D
if pretense can make you happy, I glady do so.

My days are like,

looking at the phone..
looking outside the glass doors..
holding my phone wherever I go waiting for your replies and calls..
being all alone, as time slowly ticks by..

You are my comfort and my pain.
My only comfort.
And I know persistently looking for you, will piss you off. But I can't help it.
Your short replies makes me sad, your tone towards me makes me sad.

I should stop being emotional and start moving on so you can lead a happier life.
But there're just so many doubts in me. Which only you have the answers.

-Andy Asshole-

The flowers wither, as winter comes by..
My heart crumbles, as you say goodbye..

Happiness is such a shortlived thing.
Happiness is to give others happiness.
Giving is to not expect returns.
Showing a fake front, is to make her feel pleasant.
Being fake, defeats my principles.
Being honest, will carve yet another scar into her.
Separation, is a sad thing.
But her happiness is the main thing.

Because, my happiness doesn't mean a thing.
Being a friend, is as good as being nothing to you.
My life used to revolve all around you.
Now I can't do the same anymore,
because I am no longer part of you.

Scold you, hate you to make you feel better,
and at the end of the day I get neither,
neither love nor happiness.

I end up a pitiful soul over here,
To only weep infront of my monitor.

Leaning on friends, is a remedy to sadness,
leaning all the four walls in my room is my cure.
My mood blends with the weather,
which only means I'll slowly wither.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been through such things called relationship. I fret, think, analyze and conclude.
That a momentary separation, will lead to complete separation.
Because once you get used to that freedom, you'll find me no longer of interest.
I didn't drag you down nor tie you down, just to hear you feel that way.
I know that you being tired is an excuse, but I've nothing left to say.
You already made your choice, you're young and I'm old.
You have alot more opportunities out there, far better guys than me for you.
I've not much time, I thought of starting one that could last, to end up in demise.
But you need not feel bad, because this is fate.
But I will feel sad, because I got fooled by fate.
If time can return, I will choose back to study in Singapore.
You claimed that we won't end up like this if I'm in Singapore, but you feeling tied down and wanting a separation. I believe it'll end up the same.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like a raft I'll slowly drift,
further and further away as you push me away from you.
I feel that you still love me,
but you're throwing me away because I can't be there for you.

I am condemned once more.

and I hate my life.

-Andy Asshole-

I bleed my heart out on this paper, for you.

No more cats and dogs, no more you and me.
All your defensive barriers just return back to normal like the first 2 weeks.
And now I'm back to you, blog. Remember I always come back and blog when I'm alone?
Yes, so now I'm back, and thats the reason too why I don't blog.

Because a girlfriend to me,

Is a blog.

I tell them my daily story, I tell them my daily life and what happened in full details.
When I'm tired, I cut short the details, when I feel like it, I can say a whole chunk of it.
I used to be able to do that, go home, feel some love from her daily email to keep me going.
Or even a daily message to the phone can keep me moving on.

But my battery died immediately, when she left my world.
My world seem so small now, yet I have to move on because I can neither move forward nor backwards.

Alright I'll end it here, I guess I just have to continue fighting on. Yes life suck without you, I don't know if you'd feel the same, because you'll never tell me or hint.

But,

FOR YOUR HAPPINESS,

I guess I'll have to move on.

Alright last day of exams, wish me luck!

-Andy Asshole-
SGT 10:42PM 20/10/2010.

My life - 19/10/2010 ( Singapore ) 10:57AM.

Right now, over here at Winnipeg, around henderson's, live a 179.5m chinese boy. He's having a physics test tmr, exam rather and he'd rather spend the time blogging than studying.

He's a very emotional guy, if you know his life, maybe you'll shed a tear for his pathetic 21 years of crap he went through. Especially in relationships. The first was a 7year crush which he never ever told the girl that he likes her, only till the day his friends saw that girl dating another guy, holding hands.
Inbetween this 7 years, especiall at the 4th year, he tried to love other girls but often when he reaches somewhere somehow, even a month into this other r/s, he completely destroys it because he is utterly foolish and long to believe that she'll be his one fine day.

After that devastating impact hit him so hard, the chain of unfortunate events never cease to die down. His beloved grandfather passed away. He didn't make it in his academic studies, he lost his dragonboat race, or did he won? 3rd placing against 4 teams which he was never proud of that medal at all. That was never a victory to him at all. He quarrelled with his dad to hear his dad's really really saddening story of what his dad actually wants from his father, a.k.a my grandfather. They quarrelled on the highway, when his dad stopped the car in the middle lanes.
His dad called his friends - in chinese - zhu peng gou you. But these friends were his only best friends, right from the end of high school life. Calling them that destroyed a certain part of him really badly. I'd like to go into details but I think we should just move on. Btw, those friends are really good friends of mine, even until today, even if each of us have to lead our own life, the times we had together will never be forgotten. We might even meet up till we're old HAHA<-- okay that's the first laughter for this entire serious blogging session.

Then after, at the 7th year, he got together with this girl, whom he vowed to takecare of, dote on, love her as much as possible. They had a great time together, or should I say, maybe only I had a great time? because at the end of the day, nothing was shared between the couple, nothing much, because all of her thoughts and laughter were only generated by his best friend. A.K.A her god-brother. They spend so much happy times together, they as in she and his best friend. His best friend even showed him what kind of conversation they had, but covering the other parts of the conversation, just to show some particular words she had converse with him.
In the end, he fall out with this best friend, and the best friend never realized his mistake. The bestfriend said he's always trying to help me and stuffs. Not even a single word of apology ever came by. Either he's too proud of himself and can't bow down and apologize, or he's just pathetic.

Then after, bit by bit, he lost all that friends he have. He took so much effort into carving a friendship with all these people, to find that they're actually hypocrites or lowdown-society creatures. They can only say, what's happen has happen and still not apologize about it. Afew did, actually maybe only 1, and some others actually realize their mistakes after a year or 2?
The rest continue to live in denial and so fuck all of you?
But theres one neutral friend, that was with his clique as that best friend. Just a small clique of 3, he's actually still there. I mean he's always there, nice guy and a friend worthy to cherish but if YOU ever read this, stop spamming ' I love you ', ' I miss you '.

After the breakup, she got together with his bestfriend. Ironic isn't it. God-siblings ties and slowly turn out to be couple-ship. Kind of a good joke to me I guess? But yes, I don't mean to be offensive, I do abit though, but if one reads this 10 years down the road, he may attain some enlightenment and laugh about this piece of joke deed he or she did.

Then he, aka me, moved on, performed an operation for his right leg. He tore his ligament while playing basketball for fun, and you know what, your legs can only go back and forth right? His went 90degrees to the right and twisted back itself. Everyone at the basketball court witnessed it. His secondary school clique, a.k.a his best friends saw it, some of them even help him to do a calve stretch when you know, my ligament's already torn and it hurt like crap.

This is how, he gained, from 72kg, to 80kg throughout this entire 1 and the half years of no-exercise or light exercise.
He then took over this post of assistant coach of ITE West, his former team. His coach, former coach, still his coach now, already 4 years plus but still, once my coach, always my coach ( If he deserves my respect ). But yes, this coach of mine, likes to play with words, he loves mental warfare at times. We argue alot, we quarrel abit, he scold me for alot of things, he brought me into this team and told me to coach all these new students. Be it him using me to lighten his burden or be it him actually wanting me to learn something from this ' coaching ' thingy. Really, I learnt alot alot. NS did make me somewhat a 'man', but Mr.Lim taught me more, much much more. As a coach, maybe punctuality isn't that important, but presence is very important. IF YOU want to coach, you'd better be ready to burn your offs and be ready to sacrifice any and every single thing you have for the team. If not, YOU, don't bother.

Every single scream, every single action-reaction I've ever had, every droplet of sweat that drips onto the floor, every bit of teardrop, everything still inscripts in my heart, so deep so deep into my heart.

Alright next~ , proceeding, then he met this girl, this girl whom didn't have much luck in her previous romance, what I'm trying to say is she being single, that's all. There were alot of other hot girls, but he only want this girl, regardless of her background and whatsoever. It was really a great pick, they had many happy times, together, although I always try my best to make her day happy, give my best to make sure she ain't disappointed at the end of the day because he knows that, if his loved one is happy, how much suffering he have to endure, is nothing at the end of the day after see-ing her face filled with happiness and laughter.
He too always asked if she had a great day, just to assure himself, that he did a great job because a perfectionist is what he prefer to be, but if perfection can't be attained, he will want to achieve that goal as close as possible to perfection. But all in all, he just wants her to be happy, in every single way, in every single thing.

She did everything possbile too, to make him happy. For example his birthday. He never celebrated his birthday after the age of 8 due to his grandmother's death and some misunderstandings which then lead to his, don't-like-to-celebrate-birthday, attitude.
The next birthday celebration he had, was at the age of 16, a small little piece of cake he got from his friend's leftovers at his friend's house. It was heart warming you know, at wy's house with kenneth shawn and i think yongxian zhenwei lawrence? I think so. Then the following celebrations 's always held in this particular chinese cuisine restaurant at westmall, nothing special, but every birthday, he just eats with his mom and brother, and leaves the place by himself and wander home by himself even though his mum wants to buy a cake for him, walk around with him, or cab home with him. The years go by and things just went numb till his birthday last year. When his gf planned a birthday celebration for him. It was really, surprising, but he's stuck in that hell-hole for too long a time, he don't know what and how to react when someone hosts a birthday party for him. He was at a loss of words, honestly, he really don't know what to say but that day was still training so we proceeded on with trainings.
Oh at 2008, the alumni boys, bought a cake for me too, it was quite touching too, with wangjie, yan an, john, zhenwei, chunyew, kengsiang, jasper?, jason, xiaopang, cheekang and some other guys. I wouldn't forget that.
But 2009 was the year he started really 'warming up' to this birthday celebration thingy.
Then 2010, even though it was his 21st birthday, which supposedly should be a big big celebration, taking pictures with everyone at a clubhouse or something like that. He just went to MBS, with his beloved girlfriend and ate at this international buffet called ' The Rise'.
The ambience was good, although the food's just decent but, he really enjoyed it alot alot alot. Just having a meal with his girlfriend for his 21st birthday really can blow him off his feet and he's really satisfied that day. And things were so fine,then 3 days later, he flew to canada to study.

Thing went fine, even till the first month he settled in Canada to further his studies. Adding today, is his number 509 day, from the day they got together.

And now this crap, giving my all, mother wants me to study abroad = this current crap now.
I believe even if it's australia or perth or even malaysia, it won't make any difference. My commitment level for this r/s did fluctuate, but I always crawl back up, asap to make up for everything. And now, everything is falling back onto me again, I FUCKING HATE TO RESTART, I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT, I'VE FALLEN SO DEEP BEFORE AND CLIMBED BACK OUT AND NOW, IVE TO FALL BACK INTO THIS SHIT? I'M NOW HANGING ONTO THIS BAR, AND I NEED YOUR HAND TO PULL ME UP, not the hand of sympathy, but the hand of love, but if you're not willing to, because your happiness is what you think it's like..

Then I'd gladly fall back into this abyss, with all the cuts and broken bones as my scars which will heal over time. They will not fade away, they will be permanent. But I know if you're happy, I'm happy. I'll climb up once again and unfold a new chapter of my life.

I hope you come up with a decision soon to stop my mental torture, regardless how well train I am in this section, how strong my past made me to be like today, it's still a torture to go through all of this crap.

Thats that.

Here goes nothing..

The strong, will keep fighting to maintain at the peak.
The strong actually feels comfortable at the peak so he does not want to come back down and live the life of the weak.
The weak on the other hand, is trying hard, to climb up to the peak, to get what the strongs are experiencing.
The weak, craves and envy what the strongs are enjoying, and am curious, how does it feels like to be at the peak.
And those whom hungers for the peak badly, will try means and ways to get their way up.
But there'll be a bunch of people stuck at wherever they start off with, not trying hard to maintain at their current situation, regardless it's going up or down.
They're the 'contented'.
The contented ones are people whom either, fought really hard for their life, or faced many different tragedies in their life and decided to see life in a different way. A way of not competiting much, but rather be happy with what they have. Greed, fame, fortune just doesn't seem that important to them at all. Because they find, peace, happiness within contentment.
I myself have half of each, I'm still young, I have goals, I have dreams I want to pursue but I know for sure, what you reap in life 's not always what you sowed.
An example from me would be like, one works really hard for his dragonboat team, he rather be the 'bad' person, and 'screw' everyone in the team. Everyone in the team understands and work really hard with him. But at the end of the day, they didn't win at all. So he sowed that many efforts in training to get full disicpline to train hard , why didnt he reap the award as the champion?
From my point of view, I think he reaped alot of valuable stuffs. For example, he earn friends, friends that can go through thick and thin,can understand him and his efforts, friends that 50 years down the road, would still be called friends, to ask each and everyone out to sit at the coffeeshop and joke and talk about the good old days. He earn this heartwarming feeling. I know, you'd say, one can get this feel when they win the championship as well. Yes, but right now, I'm talking about contentment.
Those whom succeed in their life, its because they put in much more effort than you, they start at young age and have more advantage than you, they're born with a headstart because they're talented and, they're destined to succeed. It just means that your time isn't ripe yet.
I believe that each and everyone will have their fair share to shine. Whether in a big stage, or a small one. Everyone's born to succeed in something, regardless it's a big or small thing. Comparing too much in life, brings much misery because the ones whom always want to climb up that high, even with their lack of ability, keeps trying to no avail. And then they start to feel negative and feels the world's utterly unfair to em when they've never thought, they just aren't the ones chosen for that stage.
My say and solution to this, is to work hard, get the most basic contentment which is your family, make sure they do not suffer, so that your son or daughter will have their chance, their chance to try and succeed in their own stage.

So I'm very thankful to my mum and dad, even though they suffered so much, they're willing to give me, not a chance, but many chances to succeed. Regardless of my destroyed pilot dream thanks to my colourblindness, the lack of chance to ever step into the kitchen to do much cooking cause I always wanted to be a good chef too. They still provide me a chance to succeed, somewhere somehow.

I know, I will succeed, thanks to their never-ending support. I've lost too much, be it time, be it money or friends or any other things. I don't care, whether if its my dignity nor pride, I don't care how other people see me as ' why the fuck is a 21 year old doing in a high school '. I don't care whether if I'm a ITE graduate, rather I'm thankful I'm a ITE graduate.

Because I know, as a grad from ITE, I'm the lowest form of being, I'm someone no one respects in both education and sports, but fret not..
IM GONNA FUCKING PROVE THIS WRONG, I'LL SHOW THE WORLD THAT I'LL SUCCEED. I'LL TURN THE NORTH AND SOUTH POLES ARD, I'LL DISTORT EVERY SINGLE ' FACT ' THAT IS PROVEN.

> THIS IS TO MY ITE BOYS, DISTORT THE FACTS, SHOW EM THAT ITE IS ON EQUAL TERMS TO POLYTECHNICS OR UNIVERSITIES IN SPORTS, SHOW EM THAT ITE BLOOD THAT FLOWS IN YOU, SHOW EM WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
THIS IS A WAR YOU CANNOT LOSE ANYMORE, YOU'VE NOTHING TO PROTECT.

YOU!

ARE GONNA GO THE FRONTLINES AND RIP THEM ALL APART BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.

GO!

"This post's to everyone, to myself to my DBboys, to my girlfriend, to everyone whom reads my blog and find what I say interesting/reasonable."