A one week journal

It has been a week..

Things and actions have been executed, and here are my feelings.

Everytime I ask you if you wanna meet.. But with various forms of concealed sentences, like "oh, I fetch you home want? I am free anyway".

Your instant reply will be " no need lah ".

Well, in all fairness, I believe that you just don't want to mafan me but then again, meet you where got such thing as mafan one.

Things between us?

I feel as though we are surviving on a presence basis and I kinda dislike it even though I really want to see you everyday. Furthermore, this presence dosage keeps increasing as if I'll feel miserable if I don't meet up with you just for one day.

Things still doesn't seem right, or fallen in place for me to execute a next-chapter move.

Why would I say that?

Base on past actions, like I lost my ear piece, you'd get one for me, like its a very strong kinda love.

Or, you'd buy prepaid just to talk to me overseas.

And this is the reason why I am going to say this..

"We're like the fire that's ignited from the same old place, it's easy to light, but our fire is started by the past".

The feeling of wanting to meet each other just doesn't exist, or it does and i can't feel it.

But all in all, the unpredictable future is still unpredictable, you still feel like the right one, and such a feeling, is hard to come by. 

Time, stop being a bitch, and let our love withstand anything and everything.

And the irony, I am posting this at her place. Lol.

After today, I'll only see you next Sunday, I hope things will become better.

Scary.

Whats the scariest thing in life.

Death?!

Ghost?! 

Or people that can just move on and forget about you, like you didn't exist while they lead their own life.

My position

What's with that sentence, " just don't piss me off ".

It just keeps ringing in my head.

-Aren't my feelings important as well. ( a part of me still wants you to have feelings for me )

What's with being "I am very busy nowadays", gotta do with the future.

Will you throw away, someone who loves you whole heartedly for what you are cooped up with temporarily?

And use sentences like "以后再说".

-I am afraid of losing things, that's why I always hold on so tight ( fuck, being repitive again, it's like why let go when we can try, everyday , every minute every second is a new beginning, a new attempt ).

What's with my undying love that keeps keeping me in love with you

-Why am I so in love with you. ( all I want is you to give a fuck about where what how I am doing and going despite your busy schedule cause 10seconds of your time before the train arrives is an opening for such thoughts/actions )

What's with not unblocking and not adding me back.

- since you can just block, you also can just unblock, add back and all no? 10seconds action, you can't be too busy for that? ( what's with that unwillingness, cause it'll give you a bad image? I gave up image about myself for you long ago. All I want to be is your hero, someone who you can always look up to, instead of looking up to other people ) <- okay reading it seems like I need to have an outer image for others.. Hmm..

What's with me trying to not end a call with you and telling you I don't wanna put down the call.

- so I can make myself look like a wimp in your eyes when all I want is just more time with you and hoping you'd want the same or get moved by my efforts?

What's with the endearing Takecare at the end of the call.

- it gives me so much mixed emotions. I don't even know what I should do cept believe in miracles.

I really feel uber miserable, but fret not. I'm gonna put up a front, and only be honest with myself until I hate myself and self destruct one day.

花海

不要你离开

距离隔不开

思念变成海

在窗外进不来

原谅说太快

爱成了阻碍

手中的风筝放太快回不来

http://stcommunities.straitstimes.com/tv/2013/06/24/fann-wong-chris-lee-sweet-or-mushy

AFTER being together for 12 years, one would expect them to be taking each other for granted by now.

But four years into their marriage, Singapore’s top showbiz couple Christopher Lee and Fann Wong say they are still very much in their honeymoon phase, despite being in a long-distance relationship.

Lately, they have been seeing each other only once a month because of overseas work.

Cynics may question their profession of undying affection for each other.

But the couple, who are both 42, seem confident that their determination to grow old together will stand the test of time.

And – brace for this – it seems Lee still pats Wong’s back and counts sheep because she likes to fall asleep to his voice.

He even loves going to work and discovering that she had secretly decorated his mobile phone and other things in his bag with pink Hello Kitty memorabilia – “just to be funny”.

Well, if it works for them, why not?

In the wake of reports a week ago of the divorce of fellow celebrity couple Allan Wu and Wong Li-lin, Lee and Wong shared their secrets to staying happily married.

‘Always the man’s fault’

Both say that when a couple quarrel, “it’s always the man’s fault” .

Earlier this year, Lee and Wong signed with Taiwanese celebrity management agency Catwalk Agency and now spend more time filming in Taiwan and China.

Lee told The New Paper over the phone from Taipei: “The secret (to staying in a happy marriage) is communication.

“Both parties in a relationship must always keep talking to each other no matter what.

“I’m not worried about being seen as a henpecked husband because I do believe that after a quarrel, the man must apologise first.

“I will also do funny things to make her laugh, like take the ugliest pictures of myself and sending them to her.

“Women are meant to be pampered because this is how their femininity is celebrated.

“Fann is very cute when she does things like decorate my car safety belt into a ‘princess’ one. She loves to see my reaction to what she does.”

He and Wong can talk for hours when they are together. Recently, they chatted in a restaurant at Holland Village for seven hours until they were told to leave at closing time.

Sometimes, Lee drives around aimlessly so that they can keep talking in the car.

Wong, who was in Shanghai, said Lee treats her like a gem.

She told The New Paper in a separate phone interview: “You know how women are like, when we get angry, we just shut down and refuse to talk.

“Christopher was the one who told me that whenever I’m mad, I have to tell him what I’m feeling so we can talk about it.

“He was the one who taught me how to communicate.

“Sometimes when I come home at midnight from filming, we’ll just start chatting and can go on and on and on. The next thing we know, it’s sunrise and we’ll head out straight for breakfast.”

Lee also pulls out all the stops to make her smile.

For example, the walk from their house in Singapore to the carpark often involves him carrying her in some way or another.

Wong said: “Nowadays, when I ask him to carry me on his shoulders, he’ll say ‘Baby I’m old already and you’re so heavy’, then I’ll tell him I don’t care and he’ll do it anyway.

“When people see me sitting on his shoulders, they’ll look shocked and we’ll laugh, enjoying their reaction.”

They meet only once a month for two to three days each time, as Lee has been filming in Taiwan for the last eight months. But they still “see” each other daily.

Lee has to FaceTime her on his phone every morning when he wakes and every night before he sleeps, so that she’s the first and last person he sees each day.

She said: “Being in a long-distance relationship to me is very sad because when I’m so upset over something and need a shoulder to cry on, my husband’s not there.

“On the flip side, there is truth that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

“Perhaps that may also be the secret to why we are so in love. We just yearn so much to see each other so we never take it for granted.

Best friend

“Christopher is very romantic, he’s a very good husband. He’s also my best friend.”

When she has to get up early for filming, he wakes up with her so she “doesn’t have to feel so bad”.

When she has overseas jobs, he takes her to the airport and meets her when she gets back, even if he is tired from filming.

Wong said they are still trying for a baby and will let nature take its course.

Quitting her job to try for a baby is out of the question because Wong feels the pressure of having all eyes on them would be too much for her.

Both Lee and Wong were “shocked” that Allan Wu and Wong Li-Lin were getting divorced as the actor-hosts – who have two young children – had seemed “like a very happy family”.

Surprisingly, for such a lovey-dovey couple, Lee and Wong seem to have had a stormy start.

In the first two years of dating, they quarrelled every other day over the smallest things, she said.

“We were like two volcanoes as we both had very bad tempers. I don’t remember what the fights were about, but strangely, one day, they just completely stopped.

“It was as if we suddenly learnt to appreciate each other and realised we love each other so much.”

The lovebirds spent some time together recently when they held separate meetings in Shanghai with their China fans.

Ironically, Lee plays a man stuck in an unhappy marriage in his upcoming Taiwanese drama A Good Wife.

Said Wong: “Christopher always assures me that we’ll spend the rest of our lives together.

“In this day and age, nothing is a certainty and divorce can never be ruled out. But what I know now is that I would love to grow old with him.”

This gives me hope, but does it make you believe in me?
I hope you read this one day and realize what I have been talking about.
Especially the BOLD section.

How? God help me please.

How do I remind you of me, and not about the bad stuff, but the good stuff.

Or how can I get a clean slate with you.

How...

Fucking hell, this unpredictable future is killing me.
Turmoil churning in me.

I really wanna shout and listen to the sea waves, to vent everything away.

Fear at that time of the year.

Amongst all the fear, I fear that I'll become another one of those guys that text you from time to time, giving you the space where you need and you only reply him whenever you feel like it.

Like I'm just another archived material.

I have been cut off by people before, and the last person I want to be cut off from is you.
I have never needed time off you.

It's you that needed time off me and me trying to make you believe that you don't need to have a time out with me.


That is why I relentlessly spam you because it sucks to end up stagnant like them.
I have my exams results coming out during 2nd dec which is next monday.
My flight is on the 3rd.

I have so much fears, but most importantly is you, do you miss me at all, will you unblock me like what you said two weeks ago?
Do I really have to lead my own life and you lead your own?
What if I try hard and do something everyday just to move you?
Would it be effective or counter effective and make you pissed off?

I have really been pushy and impatient my whole life.
You've picked up my calls everyday without fail.

You listened to Maureen and tried to communicate with me everyday.
You called me.

Then subsequently you stopped cause you said I'll call you, to rebutt my "why didn't you call me?"

I spent cents and dollar, trying to reach you.
The only time you made my heart excited was when you spammed called 26 viber calls and after you tried to spam skype calls to me while you are on your way home.

I questioned you, if you were like anxious and want to talk to me.
You simply replied, nah I'm just testing the connection or the app.

I really haven't heard that you miss me or love me since so long ago.
I always have to ask you if you are still in the zone with me.

I even created a simple system where I hold your hand and you just let me know when you are ready to walk it with me.

I hate it when you got accustomed to not talking so much because of my exam period we couldn't talk and you drifted even further!!

I really really really hate it even more, when you said you cannot talk to me like before that you needed space and all when we were still talking everyday before my exam period, which is right after my exam.

I hate it when you totally shut me down and don't want to pick up any of my calls or reply my texts.

I hate it when I have to blog all my feelings here and don't even know that if you bother to read it, and most importantly relate to what I've said and think about me, just for a second.



But even after all of these. I still try, cause I believe and have faith.
Cause, I really do love you.

The interval

You're the happiest thing that has happened in my life.

It still haunts me sometimes, that will you ever speak to me again...

Baked

Gonna blog this before I take the full effect of the brownies.

My eyes are already like reddish tired...

Whole body numb.. Relaxing....

Experience.

Closing my eyes...

My favourite quote

As all of you that knows me really well...

My favourite quote is " To Run The Extra Mile " for things that I love.

Honestly, there is a million things that I don't know.

I am imperfect, flawed and I may not be able to provide you with whatever that you might need.

Maybe I cannot be the one that will appreciate your artsy stuff, your games, your mindset and concept.

But at least what I do know, is that if I love you,

Just open your gates for me, and you can for sure see me, sprinting down towards you with all that I can, even if my knee is about to give way..

Because I love you.

Who I am hates who I've been

Witnessing so many reconciliation...

Will I get my desired one too?

Space

A really close friend of her's said,

Space isnt a 1 day 2 day thing.

Space means a minimum of a week till week + " n " days.

I never knew man.

She said, give her time to see if she misses you and wants to talk to you.

It's been more than a day since I last contacted her.

I do miss her...

But her last text was really so hurtful and I was just... ignorant to the fact about " Space ".

She also said, those words were just because she is mad.

Can I really be that positive and hopeful?

I'll climb mountains, be it by feet, by hands, or by a single chin-dig movement.

If my call doesn't work...

I'll text you via whatsapp.

If whatsapp is unavailable, I'll viber, if not I'll twitter, or I'll tango, or line, or wechat..

Or I'll spend <$1 per SMS 

And if those are unavailable..

I'll write you emails, until they become junk mails.

Or lastly, snail mail.

Until the day you forgive and trust in me again. 

Yours sincerely,

ALGH

Why must you be the kind that will never change until the shit really happens.

Instead of that, why can't you just sit and picture the possible outcomes and avoid the worst. 

Prevention is always my thing.

I don't want anything to happen cause when it happens, it might be too late...

And "too bad" does not cut out for me. 

Trust me will you. Just trust me!

An S note

They say suicide for love is a dumb decision.

Have you ever tried to sit and think of that person's actions as to why he took the leap of no return.

Ever wondered why he chose to make you the last person he want to love and maybe he's happy and sad enough to stop loving from this moment on? 

Ever knew that creating a ruckus and making you mad trumps being ignored, at least there's emotions involved rather than a dead end.

But after that tinge of spark... 

What then?

...........

I close my eyes as I feel the breeze beneath my feet...

Hard Love

When old door shuts, they say, new doors open.
It'll keep opening and closing, until you finally like what you see and what you see wants you in.

You'll then walk into it, and complete the entire process, the meaning of life known by many, to own a family.

Life would never get easier for any of us to walk.
You'll start off with no responsibility.
Then you get away with faults and bad behaviour .
After which, you start facing punishment for your actions.
Consequences and responsibility will kick into your life.

Then you'll face many new obstacles and they'll never stop piling up.

I know your life is tough, you're starting a new job that requires you to fly around the world.
I am far away from where you are and boy, we know it is tough and is only going to get tougher.

All I ask is that you trust in me, pick up the load, and you'll know the journey is worth the walk.
We have so many miscommunication thanks to the lack of tone and presence conversation.

It is messy, I want it to be messy, so we can pick up the pieces together, and fit it nicely as a team, of best friends, lovers and the reliable partner which we can depend on every single time.

I also want to fill up every gap that there is to fill up, no its never tiring. 
Keep everything real, sincere, honest and busy.

Why take a breather..

When I enjoy interacting with you the most?

It's the manipulation that is scary when you create a hoax to taunt the other. 

But it's the real actions that makes the scary, scarier. 

But, I order to achieve such a feat, you've to be certain of your decision, and don't falter. 

All I really wanted, was to be happy with you...

And it will never happen, once I've pulled the trigger. I am sorry babez. 

2 jokes

Anyway, this post is for the two bitches out there. 

Number 1 bitch that spreads stories around non stop, kindly shut your trap cause face it, that's how you absorb attention.

Number 2 bitch, I've nothing to say to you.. You're pathetic IRL. My kids would know of your trashy personality, and so would my neighbor and anyone and everyone. Goodluck ^_^

Just a little something about me

It's because of your own personality that creates a drive in you. If you give it up then you give up everything that you believe in.

Yes alteration can be made, but not to the point where everything natural about you is wrong from the other party's perspective. 

Everyone have their own beliefs, my beliefs are that everything comes as one, every action and every movement, every thought and every micro fidget, makes up the final product, be it an action, a thought, a decision etcetc.

I've thought through many processes in life, the only problem with me, is that I cannot sit and let a problem stay there, it's an eyesore. So I will do things my way to get that obstacle out of my view. Not forgetting the universe's sign. Sometimes I can quarrel with you and all, then everything is still in a mess,

Scenario 1: I buy a plate of my favorite food, I eat it, I'm happy, I feel that all should be bygones, and I ignore " all the bad stuff " and I try to make amends. Let's say I do that in 5mins after the huge fight w whoever.

Scenario 2: I help a person or whoever , do a kind deed and shit. He or she says thank you, I feel that the world should be a better place, and once again I try to make amends w whoever I quarreled with. 

Life is supposed to be complicated, and in this complex place, we find simplicity. But our brains are so powerful, that not releasing it to its full potential is a waste. 

I love predicting, I love re-enacting scenes that happened seconds ago in my head, for example, even things like a player suddenly types to me in Dota, and have my hero on follow, the image in my head will be some ? Person and he right clicks me and type then places his hand back on the mouse. 

And the best part is getting it right.

It's pointless, to some.

It's stupid, to some.

It's ridiculously fun for me, to analyze and predict people's action, be frames infront of them blah blah.

And yes, I wouldn't break my resolve for anything.

Your everyday actions would drift further, and further away from me, but I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Dead or Alive?

Meet me under shining lights,
I've been waiting right here all my life
Feelings you can't deny that you're living, open up your eyes
And I just wanna sink into your crazy laughter
Come on make me feel until the pain don't matter
Every second here makes my heart beat faster
Finally think I found what I'm chasing after.
All alone, just the beat inside my soul
Take me home, where my dreams are made of gold
In the zone where the beat is un-controlled.
I know what it feels like
Come on make me feel alive

Singing the lyrics can just bring out e emotions in me~

Stupidmofoshitonceagain

I would like to vent my sadness and madness all here. Stay here. Cause it doesn't matter.

Whole day of school doing work, I was just happy knowing waffles was for dinner and concussed after. Have a 830 lect tmr. Stayed up to call and shit, waited and got blown. 

Yep it's all my fault. Ima live w it and only vent it here. 

#Edit

You read le you won't reply tmr. Lets see my prediction correct or not.

#Double-edit

Sian, this kind of thing always lemme predict right.

And lets try the "ttyl" and see if I am right again. ^_^

A lil surprise

Haven't been blogging meh, why?! 

Life has an upturn now. Lets keep it going woots! Beautiful future lets go! 

Upgrade, complete.

Remember how I don't look forward to my birthdays?!

Well now, I don't look forward to happy things anymore.

New resolve lets move on.

突然想自己伤心一下，让自己知道现在或者在附近的未来都跟你没有可能，然后把所有的美好记忆都扔掉。。。

不然我跑多少，碧自己做运动，做到多累，都无法忘掉。。。这美好的姻缘，这不能继续下去的美好姻缘。

Anyway, just now I went for a run, not as much as what I did last week, but I did more Push-ups than I expected.

But the sad part was that my fighting spirit's withering, mann, I've to work harder. 

Dinna showa sleepz. 

Don't wanna think anymore ~

Melting the blizzard

Been awhile since I stepped onto a track and actually tried.
Familiar faces pretty much stalls my will to do what I want to accomplish in these situations.
But after a few minutes to settle down my thoughts and such, I begin the work out to build back up this knee that keeps weeping of strain and pain..

As I ran, i feel the old engines within me kicking start..

It's as though they want to get back into the game,
the rusty cylinders vibrating and the system starts the auto cleanse,
the roar beginning to get louder and louder, as though they want to be heard,
seems like everything inside me was broken but are starting to magnetize and form up back into the original engine and improvements can be seek in the later stages.

As I put my palms onto the icy cold concrete floor,

The first push-up felt like its been a hundred years since I've done this motion, my body didn't wanna budge and wanted to give up,
The weather aided in the giving up element, felt like I had no choice but to really give in,
then I decided that my body ain't readily warmed up yet,

So I took another round to kick start the heat in me,

And I place my hands on the icy cold tracks this time,

my body wanted to go and revive this feeling that I forgot,
my body desired to push and i started to push up per crawl step
I admit, I did not even do half the track, at most I accomplished was 50meters.

But I am so excited to go or it tomorrow and do more than what I have done today.

May I slowly awaken from my slumber,
Become a better man in every aspect.

Earthquake

Yknow what happens during an earthquake? 

Yes you are right, land splits and things fall into oblivion.

But I didn't fall, neither did she..

But this stupid earthquake this time makes me feel like you are further away from me this time.... 

Much much further away.

Oh god~ I'm gonna become virtual reality I reckon. 

Reality as my perception, negativity and being pessimistic as a guard gauge for what life throws at me, and you ask, can anyone sink lower than that..

The answer is yes.

Anyway, if this is true, guess I won't be having a snow bunny this Christmas.

( faith, hope, come to me, don't make me 自摸 my wishes everytime!! )

失败之王

跟自己说过了，不能让对方感到伤心，什么问题都要自己解决，不能带坏消息，只能传好消息，令对方感到开心的好消息。。。

睡不了就把所要的担忧和烦恼都通通丢在这里，丢了如果还烦的话就继续丢，丢到累了就去睡觉。。。

千千万万不能打扰你最情爱的。。。

我真失败。

Pierce to stop the beat

I merely found it weird that I speak to you in Chinese twice and you replied both times in English. 

I just said it felt weird..

And I honestly heard you said something that has got to do with " it's dumb to feel weird ".

Maybe it's the reception,

But right now, what I am left with is

Four stupid fucking walls ( again ), an empty and breaking heart... Seriously.. Waited one whole fucking day at home to spoil your beloved's mood when you finally get to speak to her

and then lose contact w her because there's no wifi there and make yourself feel horrible after..... 

I give up on myself... I don't deserve to even live...

Goodbye.

The construction

In afew hours you'll be gone for work then party then might not be able to hear from you for a week until Friday night / Saturday morning. 

Even the ability to not pick you up and make a presence that I am still revolving around you sucks so badly.

Besides you asking me to go dip my head into water to wake myself up from my stupid thoughts. I just know I still need to make a presence in your heart until the day you wake up finding a need to have me and...

Our melody will be perfectly in sync :)

Negativity out~

Just be confident, be yourself, work out a path, come back stronger, and create a new tune to dance in

Splinter~

I just wanna call you but spamming is so unlike me, makes one looks desperate and needy but yet I want you to spend time w your friends at the same time not neglecting me. But it seems like I'm getting neglected now

Sigh what can I do, should I call once more or just sleep it away and go through the same thing tmr, wait for your texts hoping that you wanna text me? Or initiate a conversation and break that goal that I want to achieve, or want us to achieve..

Now it sounds so noob like its a single person's goal. So stupid sigh... :(

Meh 20hours~

Do I start, or will you?

I hope you're thinking of me from time to time >_<

Waiting is such a pain sometimes even when you have things keeping you busy T_T

And blogging in my own personal space is just more sacred even tho ppl read my blog -.-

Gah不想了！

Simple love~

To accompany you via communication applications,

To accompany you and feel connected w you anytime anywhere,

To accompany you until the time to rest,

Under the same night sky,

Is bliss that is beyond imagination.

~

The love corruption

Despite the rules and regulations,

Even if I have a head start now in this race,

Because of all the odds that I've to overcome,

Please be a unscrupulous and kayu referee/judge, 

And let me finish first in your heart. 

Let me unlock them dreams with you.

The last resort for this situation

Regardless of any or all of the pain and irritation, the confusion, the unresolved, the future..

I just want to be able to spend all my free time with you. 

It's never enough definitely, to last me through another 6 months and all. But, I guess that's all I want for now, I'll satisfy that!

And while typing all these, I wonder about your thoughts all day. 

A little reset

Technically, we are somewhat starting from scratch, 

this time using time to set us straight, 

to nurture and help us understand each other more, 

to let us accept each others flaws and blah

to make sure that the nexttime we take the same walk, it wouldn't be the same ending again.

P.S. looking at all those Taiwan gifts somehow makes me smile, makes me excited to let these 2 years pass by, and at the same time sad that the future is unpredictable. 

Don't you worry child

Don't be afraid to fall, cause if you fall, I'll carry you up, hold on to you and continue walking with you. 

If you break into pieces, I'll smelt you and remake you, add different elements into you, and make you even stronger than before. 

Break down your defenses for me, let go of the past for me,

Let me see that smile, lemme hear that laughter, let me sense a happy you, 

Let me have a firm grip of your hands, your unsure yet trying hands, 

And lets walk this together, until you're ready to hold on tightly to me, I'll be the one holding on tightly to you.

Posting in dessert house haha random

I know how scary it is to lose things.

I've lost too much sometimes that I grow numb and give no shit about what I have lost before.

But this time, like every other time but plus additional 100%, I'll hold on to you and not let go :D

Cause you're loreal ( Kay lame -.- )

Thinking thoughts

难道，每分每秒，想着经快reply你，故意推开别人，为了enjoy each other 的声音，废话，玩笑，是错的吗？

就算不是错的，如果看不到你付出一样的effort就是 not trying 吗？

为什么我总是expect这些小小的东西，而觉得如果她不用一样的态度对待我，就不什么爱我？

真的可能看太多happily ever after for

now 的 couple 都天天甜甜蜜蜜，短信来立刻回复，每次都会回答我，wait ah，i reply my gf／bf first。

有些还会说，eh really cannot already, my "partner" is waiting for me. Like they'll literally ditch a bunch of friends just to go speak to their beloved.

But I think all of them are guys making time for their loved ones. Not the other way around. 

And thus, this aftermath that I am absolutely not happy w at all. :/

Make things right c'mon!

Rinse and repeat

Everyone asks me how are things between me and my girl.

I always reply we're good and happy.

But everytime I say that, a quarrel have to happen to us over the phone.

What's worst is that, we are quarreling over the same thing every week.

It's something that is almost impossible to solve. It's like if I demand to take it away from her, I am being a bad boyfriend. If I give it to her, I can't get pass my principles. 

I have to start weighing what is more important.

Definitely, she is more important. 

So I will have to learn to like her for that. 

It's not hard Andy, you just have to get used to it. 

Lying to myself

I hate the fact of you going to those places even if nothing goes wrong that night because one day something might just go wrong, someone might just pop a pill or shit and you'll never know cause the people you know are people that you never knew. 

But I still try and be happy and encourage you to go.

Because I love you.

Even though it always saddens me a bit by a abit...

Chopping down my extra mile.

Option 1 : don't be so crazy, calm em emotions down for her.

Option 2 : make her crazy for you

Option 3 : hold my craziness and emotions for you, and burst them all out when you have the feel to text or call me.

Option 2 & 3 sounds about right for now.

Meh~

想跟你。。。

你知道＂我多么想跟你说话＂。。。

这句话是多么辛苦才能说出来的吗？

过了那么多天，吵了这么多次，我都还有一点尊严，一点男人的尊严要保护。

可是今晚如果不说，我真的不知道几时说才好。

都说了，你也懂了，我宁愿东西自己抗也不要跟别人发牢骚。

可是因为是你，我有什么人身的经验，过程，我都会立刻跟你分享，你有你的命，我有我的，只是因为我把我的命，都revolve在你身上。。。

害到你每天都很烦，

害到你每天都伤心，

害到你天天都要放个假笑容，

害到你需要放掉别的乐趣，

为了我自己的需要。。。

而就是，我天天都想跟你说话。

解脱

这个blog是让我解脱的地方，因为世界上有太多混乱的地方。

每次撕去了一样宝贵的东西，我会只然而然的跑来这里，自己跟自己漂白心中的想法。

就像现在，看到任何＂希望＂我就立刻把握机会，狠狠地抓住。

可是还是to no avail.

我真的不知道该这么办。老天，求你指导。我真的＂不会＂了。

如果你是我，你会了解吗？

被个贱女人骗了之后，往往很多事我都会担心，看不见的东西我跟放不下心情，就好像前面的路是看不见的一样。＂信＂真的是要赚的，而且到现在，我根本都还没证实见到一个能压下我这些幻想的真相。

其实呢，有辆次吧。可是剩下的结局通常都是在吵架。

我又想避免，又想安心，又想陪着你走完着个希望路，和你创造一个没人能达到的欢喜和将来。

爱你真的不容易，尤其是联络不到你的时候。真令人心痛。

拜托你快上线，所以我可以解脱这些反感。

Peaceful yet condescending

It's been long since I come across this crossroad again. Or rather, if u take look back into this life of mine, it just wasn't too long ago.

I abused my rights of getting information just to feed my insecurities, and when I decided to ease the tension between us two, my lightness because the source that cuts the line. 

And I receive a call at this low point of mine which turned the entire situation around.

Am I always thinking too much which creates an unnecessary barrier between people?

Oh wellz, back to the books. ^_^

Recently, my family and I have been on the rocks. 

Like its worst than neat alcohol. The taste, the bumpiness, the relations, the love among us.

It is like I've been ostracized by them, with a bond that has to be kept hanging because I am their son/brother.

I've been working, but this is my god damn holiday, I've been trying to learn as much as I can whenever I go to my dad's factory. I'm there to fucking learn, not to be some ka kia of those workers. So when my dad isn't around, I don't wanna go there and waste a day away.

Why would I not understand a day of a person who earns less than what he has to pay to come over to from another country to work.

Why would I not understand how tough this kind of coolies lifestyle is?

My dad said, he'll let me start not from the bottom, but somewhere around the mid range.

Honestly? I don't give a fuck about that. 

All I give a fuck is abit more general, it is to live a life as a happy family together. Money, we can try and do our best, future work politics and harsh environment, I'll learn that as time goes by. 

All this time, when my brother was born, and I started plunging in studies, I've not been the apple of my parent's eyes. Yes they are worried for me, worried for my studies, my future. Ya, but that is all they are worried about. The things they do for me, are all for my sake, and it is their responsibilities. They can state it in a way or two where they can don't give a flying fuck about me and leave me to rot and die somewhere. But they're not heartless, and I'm still their son and thus they're doing all of these. So whatever fucking shit you want to tell me in the near future, it is because YOU TWO FUCKING HAVE TO, NOT BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH TO THE POINT YOU CAN FORGET THAT I'M YOUR FUCKING SON.

HAVE I EVER FUCKING TRIED?! From YISS, I've never tried to mend this family bond between us, all I do is play and enjoy my own life. From ITE, we fought and many conflicts surfaced and I felt like my dragonboat was more important than my own family, because my own family doesn't give a flying fuck about what I do outside, sports or games or whatever activities that can make me feel like I'm good at something.

Practical people, as long as your studies ain't good, your future won't be bright and doing all of these unnecessary things will just ruin your future.

You 2 did well, I swear, cause I believe that too. I totally believe that sports, games, any other things unrelated to work and future, ain't important because they don't give you a bright future unless you can earn big bucks out of it. 

Money, is so god damn important.

Future is so damn important. I can do the talk, I just don't want to walk that talk now. Or rather, I actually am walking it, just slowly and taking my time and when I say, " taking my time " , it's my own bloody sweet time.

I am not like your other son, went into a good secondary school, went into a JC, went into NUS COMP SCI. 

I'm not the kid you want to fucking drive all the way everywhere around Singapore to give him the ultimate comfort he can ever achieve. 

I am not the perfect child you guys ever wanted. I'm the night life, hang out with stupid friends which you guys deem having a stupid and bleak future ahead of them. 

I am always the one y'all ask, " eh can you go by yourself? , ah pa is damn tired from work ".

I am always the one that voluntarily want my own dad, who is slogging his life for this family, to get the maximum amount of rest he can acquire a day so that he can continue his life after what I've seen when ahpa went into the hospital because of .. fatigue most probably. 

But I am the one, always put down by you guys cause all I've done is unnecessary.

AND FYI, you cry when you say all mothers give birth to children, why did I give birth to someone like this.

Thanks, you hurt my feelings the most when you say that. 

I swear I've never been this hurt before by my own family members. 

I got medals from swimming and dragonboat, I've never heard you praise me also, base on the hardwork and time I put into these activities. You've never come down and supported me in my competitions also. Maybe you've never respected my interests. Y'all always think that what I do, is damn bloody stupid and a waste of time. 

But I've never blamed you guys, I just slowly drift away and become more independent on the feelings and emotions side.

And the way y'all psycho my one and only blood brother.

I honestly thought I still have him in the family which I can confide and feel like I still have a family.

But guess what, I don't. 

He may be tired just now and all. I knew he was tired but my 6th sense tells me that y'all have already brainwashed him enough to the point where he despise me to a certain extent already.

My brother too, I could never hang out w him and do things with him, like every other siblings.

Maybe you two have already psycho-ed him enough where he really doesn't like to do things with me.

He even called me stubborn when I wanted to help him cure his abrasion and brought him lotion and insisted that he apply.

Thanks mom and pops. If all that little talk y'all always have when I am not around you guys had a bit of me inside, had a bit of brushing me down inside, thanks, you might also have caused a border between me and my brother. 

It is still an assumption, but I think I ain't thinking too much.

I'm just a ghost living in this family because of the roots I had. 

Other than that, I'm just another useless human being that brings fines, summons, big bills to torture this family.

I'll shut this up somewhere and be happy go lucky once again.

I'll let y'all think that I give no fuck about my future, the world, and everyone else and just want to have fun. All because I've been doing this since long long time ago.

Laotian ye.

Coffee/tea for two?

I intro you my house here the nasi lemak, add 2 luncheon meat, chicken cutlet, sunshine egg and curry sauce with alacarte extra 1 more chicken wing? All freshly fried and served immediately?

Steady steady?

Okay, so while eating..

Can you tell me if I am gonna acquire a harem? 

If not, what are you trying to tell me :/

mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.